Redux
by vox.ex
Summary: Alternative takes and what-ifs for. All kinds of feels and reveals. Up now: Chapter 28 - "Your Hand in Mine (part 6)- Alt 4x11. What if Kara got hurt in front of Alex as Supergirl while she still doesn't know who she is?
1. Girl of Steel 3x01

Basic premise = What if the 3x01 storyline went a little bit differently? All kinds of feels, and maybe even a reveal.

A/N: Some liberties are taken with the storyline and previous/past events, but the universe is canon.

Multiple POVs.

Please keep in mind I'm new at this...and quite obviously have no rights to the source material...here goes nothing

* * *

Alex feels the cloud of splintered wood and gravel as it descends at her back, she hears the sounds of the explosion give way to a dense echo from where she kneels on the ground.

A familiar hand comes to rest on her arm, and she turns to see Maggie in front of her.

She can see she's trying to tell her something, but it's hard to make sense of it against the ringing in her ears.

She focuses, willing her brain to pay attention to her fiancé's voice.

"Are you okay?"

She nods her head and surveys the detective's face ensuring she too is unharmed.

A little dusty, but fine she thinks.

She takes Maggie's hand and accepts her help in standing.

Around them, the sights and sounds of the scene come into harsh and jarring focus.

On reflex, she has her gun out, but in reality, she has no idea what or where the danger is.

They need answers now.

"Winn…J'onn, what's going on."

She presses her hand against the device in her ear as she tries to suppress the static she hears.

J'onn's determined voice finally breaks through and with it the heavy reality of their situation.

"Schott, did you see where that missile came from?"

"No, there's no heat signature, no atmospheric disruption, no electromagnetic signature… Alex, can you see anything?

She doesn't.

"Negative visual contact… it, it came out of nowhere."

Distant sirens fill the brief gaps of silence as she desperately tries to find J'onn and Kara in the crowded landscape.

Nothing about this is making any sense. They knew there might be an attack, how could they not see it?

Any further thought is cut off as her comm picks up again and Kara's voice cuts in and out.

"pressure regulator…low altitude."

She only manages to make out a few words before another explosion shakes the already unstable pier.

The building in front of her shudders and glass shatters to the pavement in response.

She and Maggie shield themselves from the new onslaught of debris as the ground groans beneath their feet.

The sky remains ominously vacant of any threat she can see.

Come on, where the hell is it?

The answer unspoken question comes as Winn and Jonn's frantic words reach her.

"I can't track the explosive source; the radar is not picking up any underwater signals."

"I'll clear the building. Danvers, Sawyer stay on the waterfront. Supergirl, find that submarine."

Kara's broken words finally fit together in her mind, and she catches up to what everyone else already knows, that they know what's attacking them, but they have no way to know how to stop it.

Maggie must somehow realize the turn the situation just took because she doesn't even question it before taking off after her and through the flow of panicked citizens.

They are almost to the water's edge when the feel of wind surging overhead forces her attention, and she looks up just in time to see the streak of red and blue cutting through the sky before it disappears into the water.

She takes off the rest of the way in a sprint.

God dammit Kara.

She feels helpless as they are forced to come to a stop. The water's calm surface betraying the uncertainty beneath her and the fear inside.

Every worst-case scenario is playing on a loop in her head until the harrowing moment when the third explosion hits and she doesn't have to imagine anything anymore.

With her eyes fixed toward the water, the full weight of its consequences bears down on her.

She tries in vain to reach her.

"Supergirl?"

"Supergirl?"

And then in desperation.

"Kara, answer me!"

"Kara!"

She closes her eyes and strains her hearing for any sound of her sister's voice.

She can't tell you how much time passes, but she can tell you when it stops.

A thundering explosion overcomes the frantic sound of sirens and panicked shouts and dissolves into a disquieting calm that can only hint at the disaster before her.

When she opens her eyes, there is no mistaking what happened.

The mangled steel and waves of debris tell her everything she needs to know.

As abruptly as it had all started, it was over.

Her sister's words from that morning echo in her mind.

 _'I will always make the decision I made.'_

* * *

Kara reaches the missile just as it leaves the hull.

She braces against the weight of it but is pushed back by the force, and she knows.

Knows she won't be able to hold her breath much longer, knows that even if she could, she is still too weak from the first explosion.

The metal groans against her hands.

She hopes it will be enough.

It has to be enough.

 _'Supergirl saves the world. Why would I choose to be anyone else?'_

She looks over her shoulder, her plan growing more improbable with each passing second.

She strains her hearing as it begins to fade.

There are so many other sounds she wishes she could focus on right now, so many other people, but she forces herself to block everything else out.

 _'My mother didn't send me to Earth to fall in love with a human, have children, live in a house with a white picket fence.'_

The unfamiliar heartbeat hammers in her ears until the escalating rhythm peaks.

The sound of the firing pin resonates at last.

She wills what strength remains and pushes back, finding purchase against the current as she hurtles herself and the missile back toward the submarine.

Everything slows down then, pushes in on itself before ripping apart.

She shuts her eyes against the onslaught of pain, and the last thing she recognizes is Alex's voice as it erupts inside head becoming part with a harsh, conflicting mixture of sounds before merging into one singular, piercing pitch.

All her senses fade into chaos; explode into a blinding light, then nothing.

The world and its madness mute around her.

* * *

Alex will have time to think later about how she sees it; a flash of red in a literal sea.

She will have time to be reminded of her own fears and the nightmares when they return in the days to come.

But right now, there is no time for anything else…so she jumps.

The frigid water shocks her system, and it takes precious seconds for her body to respond.

Regaining control, her lungs burn in the effort it takes to swim deeper.

The need for oxygen feels desperate, the achingly familiar panic of not enough air and not enough time threatening to consume the progress of her efforts.

She pushes back against the cold blackness.

 _'Kara Danvers saved me more times than Supergirl ever did.'_

The visage of red that appears is so sudden and surreal she cannot be sure it is real.

She closes her eyes and feels the heavy weight of Kara's cape in her hands; there is no time left for doubt or relief.

Breaking the surface oxygen floods her body, and her arm reflexively tightens around her sister's waist in a desperate attempt to keep them both afloat.

She is losing the struggle against her failing strength when she suddenly sees J'onn next to her in the water and before she can even feel grateful, they are back on the cracked pavement.

She doesn't comprehend everything that comes next.

Voices she can't quite recognize and faces she can't quite see filter in and out.

She feels the detached sensation of Kara removed from her arms.

She tries to stand, to follow, but her body revolts against the strain of her efforts and she remains on the broken ground as violent shivers wrack her form.

Somewhere in her mind, she registers her own symptoms of hypothermia and shock.

Everything comes in and out of focus in time with her erratic heartbeat.

She feels a mask on her face and the intrusion of air into her lungs followed by a sharp pain in her arm and the feeling of something heavy wrapped around her.

The shock of warmth and pain forces her out of her own confusion and into the haunting reality that surrounds her.

Her mind rushes to make sense of what she sees as the world speeds back up.

Images of a nightmare fill her vision.

Kara's still form atop her torn cape.

Lena's fingers held firmly against her neck as she shakes her head.

Maggie back to her as she presses over and over against her sister's chest.

She pushes weakly against the hands holding her back.

Her own broken voice reverberating and unrecognizable as she pleads with them to let her go.

"I have to help. I can help."

But she can't.

The last of the adrenaline keeping her conscious threatens to leave her.

The edges of her vision darken and blur.

She closes her eyes.

But the images remain.

There is no waking up from this.

* * *

Kara remembers silence like this.

It reminds her of the void of space.

The doubt in that stillness.

Of wanting it to end.

Of fearing it when it does.

It reminds her of the eery sense of calm that filled the city the night after the invasion.

Of Loved ones held a little tighter, prayers of thanks said a little louder, of the quietness that gave way to panic.

The city screamed for weeks — a cacophony of sirens and alarms.

A city she fought to protect, fighting back in anger and distrust.

Kara had already seen one world destroy itself.

She would not allow another.

She would not be responsible.

She had presumed safety in happiness, had confused love for humanity.

She could not allow herself to be fooled any longer by the want of these things.

So that night she grieved, and by the morning she forgot.

She grieved the love she had felt, the comfort it reminded her of.

She grieved the reminder of her planet's virtues and the forgiveness of its sins.

She grieved all the things she had lost in this place.

This place, her home.

She has been many things to many people here, but never who she was.

And now that they knew the truth of her, she would never get the chance.

That is what was left to grieve.

Not the loss of a man, but the loss of what the love of others had given her.

Memories…forgiveness…safety…innocence.

This world did not deserve her burdens; it deserved her humanity.

And she had lost that too.

She had killed to protect this place.

To protect her home.

And in return, it killed the only human part of her.

So she had grieved.

And now, for the briefest of moments, she gave up.

Because Kara Zor-el was lost to the quite of space.

Because Kara Danvers was lost to the weight of humanity.

Because how can she save anyone if she is broken.

* * *

There is a box somewhere down here and I'm told that if you click on it you can make words magically appear for me to read...Yea for magic, and you!


	2. Girl of Steel (part 2)

A/N So this went from 2 parts to 3 which may be either good or bad...sorry if it's the latter.

I still don't have any rights to the source material, only my own thoughts...I hope.

* * *

It's strange the things you get used to, the things your brain automatically filters out.

Maggie usually doesn't even register the sounds of police sirens anymore, nor the flashing lights. She can carry on a full conversation with them blaring in the background.

She thinks about how Alex still plugs her ears when they first pull up to a crime scene, how she jokes with her that they can't all be stealthy agents in black.

But right now, the sound of sirens is all she can hear.

And she hates herself for this loss of control.

Because if ever she needed to be in control of her emotions it was now.

She hesitates at first, worries she won't be able to push hard enough. But Kara's chest gives way easily under the pressure of her compressions and, fuck; she knows that makes the situation that much worse.

She's never done this before, not really, not when it's mattered.

But she keeps pace with the internal clock in her head, thankful that all the training she complained about going to has made the task so automatic.

It's faster and more violent than she could have imagined and she has to fight back the bile that rises in the back of her throat when she feels Kara's ribs break beneath the weight of her hands.

In the midst of it all, and almost inexplicably, she finds Lena next to her, determined, blood dripping from a long gash, and gives silent thanks to the younger woman forcing air into Kara's lungs that she doesn't have to do this alone.

She looks over her shoulder just long enough to see Alex, pale and shivering, being tended to by an officer.

She feels both relief and worry as she watches her fiancé try but fail to get to her feet.

The water underneath her soaks into her clothes, and the cold permeates her skin.

It's a hauntingly familiar feeling.

She can't help but think about how much she hates the water now.

How she wants to rip the bathtub out of her fucking apartment.

How when she and Alex have kids they are never taking them to a waterpark.

How watching one person drowning should be enough.

Her thoughts and desperate attempt to keep Kara alive are interrupted as she feels herself pulled back.

Not knowing what's happening, she fights to stay where she is.

Because Alex needs her to, because Kara is still not breathing, and because she isn't going to lose any of the family she's finally found.

She's pulled back again, harder this time, and it isn't until she's knocked back onto her heels that she looks up.

The sirens finally fade away, replaced by a multitude of voices and the shout of instructions.

J'onn is next to her, and she realizes that he was the one who pulled her back, that like her he is trying to keep Kara alive.

She sees Winn in front of them fumbling with something.

Realizes by the parlor on his face that J'onn flew him here.

Winn curses as his shaking hands fail to complete whatever task he is trying to accomplish.

She watches Lena take over, and is thankful all over again for her presence as she manages to easily rip the cap off the device while Kara's suit is cut away.

Winn is talking too fast for her to understand any of what is going on, but his shaking hands gesture something to Lena, and she must know what has to happen then, or at least guess, because without hesitation she brings the now exposed needle down hard against Kara's chest.

Everything stops then.

The stillness feels cruel.

The waiting too long.

And just as it feels hopeless, Kara's body heaves in a labored breath.

The scene around her erupts again.

She watches as they roll Kara onto her side and water violently forces its way out of her lungs with the movement.

She pales at the alarms and shouts, the uneven rhythm of the monitors, at the still unconscious blonde.

She focuses on the shallow movements of Kara's chest, convinced they might stop again if she looks away.

Through the chaos, she hears her name but can't tell where it's coming from.

"Maggie!"

There are hands on her shoulders forcing her attention.

When did she stand up?

J'onn tries again, slower, firmer, to get her to focus.

"Maggie, go with Alex. Make sure she gets taken care of. We've got her now."

She hesitates, unsure as she looks between him and Kara.

"I've got her, I promise."

She nods her head in response because words are too much effort, words take too much time.

She makes her way to Alex and climbs into the waiting van next to her.

Ignoring the medics, her fiancé shifts and tries to sit up and soon as she sees her.

"I need to help her Maggie, I can help."

She helps Alex lie back onto the gurney, gently grasping her hands as they try to push her away so the medic can replace the IV she's already managed to rip out once.

"You need to tell them I can help"

She places her hands on either side of Alex's face, stilling her panicked refrain with the quiet comfort.

She looks into her eyes and sees the questions she's afraid to ask, the lies she's willing to accept to stop herself from falling apart.

And she won't deny her that, not here, so she tells her it's okay. And it's not a lie, but it might not be the truth.

"They've got her, they've got her now"

She presses her forehead against Alex's in a desperate need to feel something solid and real.

"I'm here."

She feels Alex relax into her and her breathing slow at the contact.

"It'll be okay."

* * *

Lena can feel Winn, Kara's friend, and now Agent Schott apparently; staring at her out of the corner of his eye.

He's looking at her like he wants to say something but doesn't know how to start.

She hears him stutter and stop, think better of it.

She wishes he would say something.

Give her something to do, some way to help.

Because right now all she can think about is that there is no clock in the room.

She knows this is a stupid thing to worry about, but everything feels like it either happened all at once or never at all, and she finds herself unnerved by the fact that she can't even figure out what time it is.

So she tries instead to rationalize what she can feel.

The smell of antiseptic and the medical equipment that surrounds her.

The feeling of smooth tile under her now bare feet.

The dull ache in her head and the neat row of stitches there.

But what she feels quickly dissolves into what she remembers, and with it, any feeling of calm her logic was trying to obtain.

The feeling of blood winding its way down her face as she knelt next to Kara.

The fear that came with realizing she wasn't breathing.

The desperation of each forceful exhalation that filled her empty lungs.

The weight of the syringe as she drove it into her best friend's chest.

Her eyes become fixated on her hands and the tremors that won't seem to stop.

 _God, she's going to be sick._

She manages to stumble to the trash can, kneeling in front of it as she empties the contents of her stomach.

Her sudden movements startle Winn who jumps to his feet.

"Fuck" is the only thing she can manage after a few haggard breaths

She sits back on her heels and wipes her mouth with the back of her hand.

She can feel Winn hovering near her. Unsure of what to do.

 _At least she's not the only one._

She leans her back against the wall and forces out one of the many questions today has left her with.

"I don't suppose you're allowed to tell me where we are?"

He sits down next to her and offers her a bottle of water nervously.

"I…no, not really."

"But not the FBI?" she guesses.

And he concedes "No, not the FBI."

She nods her head at the confirmation.

"How long since…how long?"

"About an hour."

Lena shakes her head slightly.

"It feels longer."

She looks at Winn again, sees something akin to pity.

God, she hates pity.

"You'd think I'd be handling this a little better, right? You'd think I'd be used to having people dying around me by now."

A weary, painful, laugh accompanies her deadpan delivery.

Winn reaches to put a hand on her shoulder and his tentativeness makes her think Kara must have warned him how much she hates such gestures should they ever meet.

She wants to smile at the idea of such thoughtfulness but can't.

"She still here Lena…she won't let us lose her."

And that's the thing, it's been so long since she's had someone to lose that she doesn't know how to do this.

How to stop the tightness in her chest.

How to quiet her own heartbeat as it echoes in her ears.

She can't stop thinking about all the times she must have almost lost her without even knowing it, how many times she took her presence in her life for granted.

She thinks too that maybe she always knew who Kara was.

That somewhere in her mind or some part of her must have at least suspected it.

That maybe she was just too selfish to acknowledge it because it meant things might change.

But even if she had known, had only been denying it as truth; it didn't stop the actual realization, the sound of Alex's voice, the heartbreaking desperation for her sister, from shattering her.

* * *

Feedback and reviews are always appreciated.


	3. Girl of Steel (part 3)

Here we go... Part 3/3 Girl of Steel Redux

A/N... sorry this took a little longer, but well, life happened so this had to wait a bit.

As always, all the rights to the source material are not my own.

* * *

Kara knew what lay just out of reach.

Could feel enough to grasp it blindly.

She knew happiness forgotten and never known.

She knew both these things in worlds now gone.

The silence gave way to reverie.

She was back in the field of her dreams; in the landscape of home and the warmth of her mother's arms.

She hoped this time it could be real.

That even if it weren't, she could make herself believe it.

Maybe she could have this one last thing, this one last moment with the life she never got and live in it forever.

But like the memory of silence, this pain of wanting was familiar too.

It was the pain of letting go.

It was the pain of holding on.

She had let herself be lost in this wanting before, had needed to be reminded of its failings.

 _'I can't promise you a life without pain and loss because pain is a part of life.'_

And saved from its illusions.

 _'I want so much for all of this to be true, to stay here with you. But this isn't real.'_

She had chosen to lose everything again to have something to hold onto again.

She chose to keep the family she had found and let go of the one she lost.

She doesn't know if she can make that same choice now.

Maybe she shouldn't.

Maybe it's selfish to want to.

She thinks of all the loss that has surrounded her and all the pain it has caused.

She hears Alex cry for her father.

She sees a city buried in rubble.

She thinks she has cost this world enough.

She feels the hues of Rao's light waning, beckoning like a plea to follow.

She feels the rhythm of her heart return to her, demanding she remain.

The receding reverie demands her decision.

She contemplates the heaviness of worlds and the depth of scars.

She remembers the weight on her shoulders and ache in her chest.

She thinks of the family she's lost and the one that remains.

She feels pain imagined and real.

She hears Alex's voice and the words that once brought her back.

 _'I need my sister!'_

She remembers these things, but she finds she does not fear them.

The immensity of them reminds her what it is to know these things — to endure in spite of them and because of them.

And so, against the dying light, she leans into the heaviness, she chooses what still remains.

* * *

Alex sits just outside Kara's room, knees pulled up tight to her chest, hands gripping the blanket at her shoulders desperate for some semblance of warmth.

She sees her sister's still form through the glass and thinks about Kara's words to her that morning.

 _'I am not a human. I tried to be, but I'm not.'_

How all at once they seem so far removed from this moment and yet so achingly poignant.

Because she has seen her sister powerless and she has seen her vulnerable, but she never seen her look so human.

A hand brushes against the side of her face and she turns to see Maggie, worn and tired.

She lets herself lean into the comfort of her touch.

"Dr. Hamilton wants to give us an update."

She nods, but hesitates, needing the reassurance of Maggie's hand to stiffly stand, to remind her she is not alone as they make their way into the sterile room.

There is no pretense to be had as the other woman speaks and she is grateful.

She focuses on the words.

Ruptured eardrum, fractured ribs, respiratory arrest, hypothermia.

Tries to reconcile them with her own memories and the image of her sister now in front of her.

She can see Maggie's blank stare reflected back in the glass opposite them and knows that unlike herself, she doesn't need to hear the words to know their truth.

She had wiped the blood from Kara's ears herself, had heard the crack of breaking bones, had felt her heart still, and her skin cold.

She wishes she could take these memories from Maggie and make them her own.

They should be her burden to carry.

She closes her eyes just long enough to gather herself, to will the memories away, to focus again on Dr. Hamilton's voice.

"Winn remembered the adrenaline complex injection you had been working on. It didn't restore her powers, but it did cause her cells to discharge any remaining energy all at once which was enough to restart her heart.

She hears her own voice waiver as she speaks.

"She, ah, she's still unconscious?"

"She sustained a significant concussion from the explosion which is also impacting her recovery. But all the scans came back clean, and her internal temp is going up, just more slowly than we'd like. As it stabilizes over the next couple hours and her cells absorb additional solar radiation we should expect her to become more alert. Until then, she still has the IV for warm fluids and we'll keep her on supplemental oxygen support."

"how long was she down?"

She watches Dr. Hamilton pause for the first time and she tries not to focus on the hesitation.

"Around 4 minutes once she was out of the water… It's a concern still, but her reflexes are normal and even without her powers we know her physiology can sustain longer bouts of hypoxia."

She thinks she makes some sound of affirmation, some gesture of understanding.

"We're going to move her into the regular solar room now that she's stabilized. Director Henshaw already has it set up so you can stay with her."

She nods her head almost automatically, distrusting her voice.

She hears Maggie thank the older woman and then the mechanical whirr of the doors as they slide closed.

The sound of Kara's heartbeat fills the vacant space of the room and she counts it in time with the seconds that pass.

She thinks about the minutes that had been void of the sound.

She thinks about how long they had felt — how much anger and fear and hope they had managed to contain.

* * *

Maggie wakes to the sound of steady breathing and a familiar warmth pressed into her side.

She wipes tiredly at her eyes and looks down to see Alex, still asleep, cradled in her arms on the small couch.

The lights from the hall are dimmed, but the gentle glow of the solar lamps reveals that they are no longer alone in their vigil.

She watches silently as Lena gently tucks a strand of hair behind Kara's ear.

It feels like a moment she isn't meant to see.

The younger woman is barefoot, clad in borrowed scrub pants and a well-worn NCU sweatshirt.

Like Kara without her suit, she looks so much younger like this, so much more vulnerable.

This isn't the Lena Luthor the world knows.

"You know I'm pretty sure Kara is going to be mad when she realizes that you didn't just get the hell out of there."

The sound of her voice startles the other woman slightly and she watches as Lena tries to compose something in herself before looking up.

It feels like reflex honed from years of practice.

"Personally, I'm glad you didn't. I mean it was stupid, don't get me wrong, but I'm glad it was you there. I knew neither one of us would let her die."

She looks down at Alex again, allows her fingers to run gently through the sleeping woman's hair.

"I've never seen her seem so small before. I don't know how she'd survive losing Kara."

Lena's eyes flicker briefly toward the floor then back up as she blinks away tears.

She can't help but think then, that maybe Lena can't imagine surviving it either.

"Did you know?

She watches as the younger woman's fingers rub gently along worn edges of the sweatshirt nervously hesitating before she shakes her head and sits in the vacant chair beside the bed.

It takes a moment but soon Lean's voice is the one that breaks the silence of the room.

"I was worried you know, that she would do something stupid, get herself hurt trying to help. Because she would do that, Kara would be the type of person who does that. And it turns out she is, that I deserved to be worried. I just, I didn't realize I was worried for the wrong reasons, not until… not until the moment I saw Alex, not until I realized it wasn't Supergirl she was trying to save."

She watches Lena's hands move to her face, wiping angrily at the tears there, refusing even in this moment to allow such weakness.

She suddenly she feels guilty that this is the first time they've talked since everything happened. Because she knows what it is to learn Kara's secret, to learn it because of circumstance, not want. And so she owes her this she thinks, owes her reassurance — owes her truth.

"She wanted to tell you."

The younger woman looks up again, unshed tears barely held back.

"But your mother, she told Kara you would hate her for it."

She sees a veiled expression of pain and guilt in Lena's eyes, but when she speaks there is nothing but conviction in her words.

"I could never hate her."

"I know..."

 _And she does._

"...But Kara has always been told to hide who she is, that she will hurt those around her if she can't. I think after all this time she started to believe there was something inside her worth being afraid of, worth hating."

She watches as the tears that have been threatening now fall freely down Lena's cheeks, the truth of revelations too new and too heavy to be contained.

"How can I prove her she's wrong."

She smiles and gives the only truthful answer she can.

"You already are. You're here."

* * *

Kara feels the weight as it returns and with it everything else.

She feels impossibly cold and her chest painfully heavy.

She tries to listen for Alex's heartbeat, but the sounds around her are muffled and distant.

She needs to find her, she needs to know she is safe.

Something shifts next to her, and there is a feeling of warmth on her cheek.

She manages to lift her arm just enough to grasp the hand she finds there.

She shifts her fingers and concentrates until she feels the familiar rhythm.

It's so light at first that she worries she imagines it.

Her chest heaves in relief and broken sobs.

Her sister's voice seems so distant but it's there, and it's real.

"shhh Kara it's okay, you're okay, I've got you."

When she is finally able to open her eyes, she sees the reminder of everything that happened etched on Alex's worried face.

"I—I'm sorry…I'm so sorry."

And there is so much she is apologizing for, so much she needs to say, but she can't seem to catch her breath, and every attempt is too quick and too shallow.

It feels like glass rattling in her lungs.

A hand comes to rest on the middle of her chest, the gentle pressure forcing each inhale a little deeper as she hears Maggie's voice.

"you have to relax, just breathe okay, it's going to hurt, but you have to keep breathing."

And she does, against the weight of everything and through the pain, she does.

Maggie's other hand reaches across to find Alex's, the three of them now anchored to each other, comforted by the graceless embrace.

She feels Alex lean forward to place a kiss on her forehead and then turn her head just enough to whisper in her ear.

"I think someone else needs to see you."

The brief flicker of a question must have crossed her face because Alex was moving again, pulling away slightly so she could see past her.

Lena is there standing at the other end of the room, arms wrapped tightly around herself, and she can't help the feeling of guilt that overcomes her.

 _'Eventually, she'll find out on her own. Find out that you've been lying to her all this time.'_

This wasn't supposed to happen. She was supposed to be able to protect her from this part of her.

She feels the threat of tears as she pulls Alex back down to her because she needs to know, she needs to know if Lillian was right.

"Does she hate me?"

She thinks she sees something akin to a smirk on her sister's face, but it's Maggie who answers her.

"Not a chance in hell Little Danvers."

Alex gives her hand one more squeeze of reassurance as she steps away from the bed before nodding to Lena who steps forward without hesitation and sits beside her.

This close to her now, she can't help but see the tears barely contained in her eyes or the stitches that mar her skin.

She brings her hand up, gently running her thumb along the length of the cut as a frown settles in her brow.

"you're hurt."

Lena laughs and she relishes the warmth of the sound and the feeling of her hand as it covers her own.

"You're unbelievable you know that"

Later there will be time for long conversations and more revelations, but for now she hopes this is enough.

"I'm sorry I…I'm sorry I lied to you, but I promised, I promised I would protect you"

The words are quiet and broken, but they are honest.

She feels Lena's hand tighten around her.

"I know, but you don't need to protect me from this."

"I didn't want you to find out like this"

Lena smiles.

"Well, I would hope that almost dying wasn't on the list of ways you planned on telling me."

It's her turn to laugh this time but the best she manages is a pitiful wheeze and painful cough.

"Hey, sorry, take it easy."

Lena's hand brushes across her forehead as the pain recedes.

"Alex tells me your basically human right now, so maybe we should just hold off the jokes until your healing powers kick back in."

She tries to smile but can't as the feeling of guilt returns with Lena's words. Because she knows, knows then that even like this, even without her powers, she will never be human.

She will always have a Kryptonian heart. It aches, it scars, but it keeps on beating. If she tries to cut it out she will lose something essential.

She will never be human, but then she thinks about the family she has returned to, about the family she has chosen and she is reminded of all the proof they have given her that she doesn't need to be.

She has a Kryptonian heart, but it's human love that fills it, that heals it, and keeps it beating. If she lets herself forget that she will lose something essential.

A gentle hand on her arm brings her back from her thoughts.

"Kara."

She sees Alex next to her again, worried at her sudden silence.

"Hey, where'd you go?"

She shakes her head and smiles.

"I'm sorry, I'm okay."

And she thinks maybe, for the first time in months, she even believes it.

* * *

So there it is. I have like zero instincts when it comes to these things so let me know if it's worth it to continue with other episodes, or if I should just cut and run.

Thanks to everyone for all the support and feedback.

Please pop another review into the box below if you have time.


	4. Reign Interlude 3x09 (part 1)

Summary: An extension of 3x09 that takes place in the time leading up to 3x10. The truth always seems to come at night.

I was working on a story for Triggers, but then this kind of just happened. Sorry if it feels rushed.

A/N: I wanted to write this first part for Maggie's perspective because I thought it would bring a kind of emotional objectivity to the other characters as well. I hope you agree. I know this is short, but it will be three parts first Maggie, then Alex and Lena.

* * *

The truth always seems to come at night.

Maybe it's the wanting stillness that begs for words to fill it.

Maybe it's the inescapable uncertainty found at its end.

But against the darkened sky, when doubts are felt not seen, we feel the need for truth.

Maggie has done this countless times before.

She has had to tell strangers and friends; husbands and wives, daughters and sons.

Maggie has done this countless times before, but it's never felt so real or wrong.

She knows that Alex has had these conversations too. That unlike herself she can't always tell the truth, that she can't always give someone what they are owed — what they deserve.

Because that kind of truth is flawed and burdened and incomplete.

She knows that Alex knows this more than anyone, that she stood in her living room and was told by a stranger her father wasn't coming home — that she was told anything but the truth.

And that's why Alex is here with her and not where wants to be —needs to be.

Because Alex had always known there would be a time she would have to do, this and Maggie knows she had promised herself when she did it would be the truth.

When Lena opens the door, Maggie is immediately reminded that she and Alex aren't the only ones who have been here before.

That by the silent question in her eyes and the hesitation in her breath she knows why they are here.

She remembers Kara telling them about Lena's father, about Lena coming home to a crying brother and a silent mother.

She remembers the cops who dragged her brother bleeding and mad from her house while she watched.

And for all the things she planned to say, her words are lost to the unspoken grief that hangs between them.

It's Lena's quiet broken voice that answers the stillness first.

"is she.. is she alive?"

Maggie nods her head — not trusting the word that could become a lie.

Alex steps forward beside her.

"Lena…."

Maggie watches the younger woman stand just a bit taller, but her eyes betray the confidence of her words.

"I'm coming, I don't care what needs to be done, but I'm coming."

Alex steps forward again and takes Lena's hand in the subtlest of reassurances.

"I know."

* * *

Any feedback is appreciated and welcome.


	5. Reign Interlude (part 2)

Alex's POV

A/N: For this story, everything up until 3x09 is the same as in the show including Maggie and Alex's breakup.

* * *

It's been four weeks since Maggie left.

Four weeks of doubt and guilt and of waking up alone.

It's been three weeks since she almost died.

Three weeks since she stood with a gun to her head and a ditch at her back wanting nothing more than home.

And now it's been two hours since she watched Kara fall.

Two hours of bargaining and anger and her sister's blood on her hands.

Her knuckles are white as she grips the sides of the sink and all at once it's all too much.

Four weeks of barely holding on shatters in one second of letting go.

Shards of glass litter the floor and her fist and this time the blood is her own.

She stumbles back from the fractured remains of the mirror and feeling as broken as her

reflection she lets herself sink to the floor.

She should have stopped her.

She had looked into her sister's eyes and saw her anger at herself, saw her anger at worlds old and new and saw that she didn't know what she was fighting.

She could have stopped her.

But instead, she sent her into a fight she couldn't win.

 _"Listen to me. I know you have been struggling the past few months, and I have been trying to get you to embrace your humanity, but that's not who you have to be right now. Right now you need to forget about the city, and your friends, and me. You can't be distracted, you can't be worried about us, and you can't try to save her Kara. You can't save everyone; sometimes they just have to be stopped."_

She doesn't hear the door open, doesn't register she is no longer alone until the sound of the water still running from the abandoned sink suddenly stops.

She waits for them to say something, expects it will be something to try and reassure her, expects it will be a lie.

What she doesn't expect is Maggie.

And suddenly there is no need for words and no room for lies.

There is too much between them to require these things, and it is enough that she is here. Maggie moves to sit beside her and gently reaches out for her hand tracing the bruised and bleeding knuckles.

It is a simple gesture void of pity or promise, and it is everything at that moment that she needs.

It will always be Maggie she needs.

And there will be time to prove that.

There will be time to find their way back.

But for now, it is enough that she came.

She leans her head onto Maggie's shoulder, and they sit side by side until she feels like she can breathe again.

"There is something I have to do, something I promised Kara if anything ever happened or if there was ever a chance…"

Her eyes remain fixed on the floor, and her voice trails off unwilling but Maggie's hand tightens reassuring her.

"She made me promise that if it came to it, I wouldn't lie, that I would let the things that needed to be said be said. She couldn't imagine causing someone the pain of not knowing, of not saying goodbye."

She finally turns to look at Maggie.

"She isn't waking up…And I…I won't stop, I will do everything I can to hold onto to her, but in case I can't, I need to keep that promise."

She sees the tears in Maggie's eyes and knows that somewhere along the way Maggie has become Kara's family too, and there will be things of her own that need to be said.

"But I don't think I can do it alone."

Maggie reaches forward and wipes tears from her face that she hadn't even realized were there.

"You don't have to."

* * *

Please let me know what you think, it's always appreciated.

I don't want to rush this, but at the same time, I can't stop wanting to write it. So please excuse me if it feels hurried.


	6. Reign Interlude (part 3)

Lena's POV

A/N: I thought Lena's story would have more impact if she already knew Kara was Supergirl, so it's still a reveal but in a different kind of way than if she had found out after the fact. I also think that after everything that happened on Earth-X Kara would maybe feel like she needed to be more open with her heart again.

* * *

Lena knows what it is to watch Supergirl fall.

She knows what it is to watch her bleed.

But until tonight she hadn't known what it would mean to watch Kara fall…to bleed…to not get up.

Those fears were all too new, too raw.

She hasn't moved since James brought her home, her clothes still smelling of smoke and littered with dust, refusing for even a moment to put down her phone or lose sight of the door.

She tries to think of every moment that passes as another moment Kara is still alive, that every second without evidence to the contrary is another reason not to give up.

But as seconds turn to minutes and minutes become hours she starts to think that she was wrong.

That hearing nothing is worse.

She tries to think of anything else, anything that will calm the desperate drum of her heart. But all she can think of is the last time Kara stood outside her door almost three weeks ago.

-xx-

 _The knock had been so gentle that if Lena hadn't already been awake, she is sure she would have missed it._

 _She didn't really know what to expect when she made her way to the door, and maybe she should have been more concerned by the early morning intrusion, but when a second knock was accompanied by the uncharacteristic tentativeness of Kara's voice, she found herself opening it without hesitation._

 _"Kara what are you doing here. Are you okay."_

 _But Kara didn't answer, and her eyes remained downcast as the rain from her clothes terminated in a small puddle on the floor and Lena suddenly wondered how long she had been standing there._

 _"please come inside; you must be freezing."_

 _Lena reached out to take her hand from where it was clenched at her side._

 _"Kara whatever it is, it'll be okay."_

 _Without a word, Kara took Lena's hand then and brought it up to rest on her own chest just above her heart._

 _Lena didn't know what was happening, but there was something telling her not to stop it, that whatever this was it was important._

 _With her hand still on Kara's chest, she watched as the other woman tried unsuccessfully to unbutton the top of her shirt._

 _Lena covered Kara's shaking hands with her own and together they finished the task she had seemed so intent on._

 _Kara's eyes remained steadily on the floor between them never daring a glance at Lena but even without words it soon became clear what she was trying to say._

 _Lena let go of Kara's hands, and they almost immediately resumed their place at her side as if retreating._

 _She moved her fingers along the surface of the newly exposed fabric tracing the outline of the symbol she knew so well._

 _Her hand stilled again over Kara's heart, memorizing the feel of its steady rhythm._

 _She watched Kara's hands leave her side once more, her fingers hesitating on the frame of her_

 _glasses before removing them._

 _Finally, for the first time that night Lena found herself looking into the uncertain depths of Kara's eyes._

 _She hadn't needed to see Kara's face to know the guilt and doubt she would find there, but now that she was confronted with it, she wanted nothing more than to make it go away._

 _With her other hand, she let her thumb gently trace the scar above Kara's eye._

 _It was something so small, so utterly unremarkable that before tonight she never would have thought of it as anything special. But now it was a reminder that the hero before her hadn't always worn that symbol on her chest, that even if Supergirl were invulnerable, Kara wasn't._

 _She doesn't know how long they stood there, neither willing to move, but soon it became clear that Kara was waiting for her. That whatever came next had to come from her because Kara had already given everything of herself that she could._

 _Lena thought of all the questions in her mind, of all the coincidences and circumstances adding up to the truth no in front her._

 _She thought of how vulnerable Kara seemed and of all the things that could have brought her here at 2 am in the pouring rain._

 _She thought of the difference between strength and imperviousness._

 _She thought of all these things, but there was only one question she asked._

 _"why now?"_

 _Kara's eyes drifted back to the floor as if afraid her answer couldn't possibly be good_

 _enough…but it was_

 _"I wanted to use my heart."_

-xx-

Lena still doesn't know all of what led up to that moment.

She knows that something happened to scare Kara while she was gone.

She knows that she almost didn't make it back.

But she doesn't know the depths of the scars it left her with.

And she doesn't know if she ever will.

Lena pales at the memory and wants nothing more than to be wherever Kara is now.

But Kara had wanted to protect her from everything that knowing meant and she had wanted something just between them for just a little longer.

So no one knew that she knew.

No one knew she was waiting.

But she was, and just as it felt like the waiting might never end, it did.

There is a moment between the sound of the knock on her door and the hesitation in her steps when she thinks that for all the time spent waiting she is still not ready for this.

And when she finally opens the door she realizes she will and so she asks the only question she can manage.

"Is she alive?"

It's Maggie that nods her head, but it's Alex who steps forward.

"Lena…."

And all the sudden she's worried. Worried that Alex won't let her come, worried that just because Kara is alive, that doesn't mean she's okay and so she starts to think of anything to say, and that won't make her have to stay in this fucking apartment any longer.

"I'm coming, I don't care what needs to be done, but I'm coming"

She's cut off when Alex steps forward again, this time to take her hand, and it is the gesture more than the words that calms her.

"I know."

And when she looks into Alex's eyes she knows that she does.

"But there are things I have to tell you first. Things I promised."

Lena realizes then that long before Kara ever told her who she was, she trusted her enough to know.

* * *

So here it is. Thanks to everyone who stuck with me for this. I know it's a little uneven in places and rushed.

I left it a little open-ended on purpose just in case.

I am going to continue to try and explore these episodes in a different way so knowing what is working so far is important to me and I am always up for feedback.


	7. Reign Interlude (part 4)

So once again this has become longer than intended, but in my defense this scene was requested and I couldn't pass up doing it. I promise one of these days I'll manage to write a one-shot. I wasn't sure how to approach this at first , but I finally got some time from work to have a go at it.

A/N: I also tried to fix some of the grammar and things from other chapters, though admittedly this will never be my strong suit as I have a thing for run-on sentences. (see this author note as case in point)

* * *

Lena' head rests against the window; her eyes fixed on the passing lights as they bend and warp the city's landscape. She thinks how time, like light, can refract and distort, how the seconds feel faster as the streets blur. She thinks it looks like waiting feels — everything interrupted and disordered, everything sped up or slowed down.

Alex's words from only moments ago blend themselves into the fractured night.

 _"She'd wanted to tell you for so long. Practiced it to get the words just right. But she was so scared of losing you, of hurting you, that she never could. Then when we came back it was different, she was different, and none of those reasons scared her more than you losing her without knowing."_

Lena had already known from Kara's own confessions that she almost lost her sister, that they both almost didn't make it back. But she didn't know that Alex was left to die or that Kara was strapped to a table like some medical experiment and taunted her with her own vulnerability. She didn't know that they had made her feel worthless and broken, that they told her she didn't deserve her own heart, that it wouldn't matter if they took it.

She closes her eyes and remembers Maggie's tears at Alex's own revelations.

She remembers the feeling of her hand on Kara's chest and the water pooled at her feet.

She wonders how cruel the world must be to ask this of her now, to have to think of letting go of something she only just found.

When they finally stop, the city streets have been replaced by concrete walls and time resumes its wonted pace.

The cold air stings against her skin as she steps out of the car and makes visible against the glow of fluorescent lights the shuddering breathes she takes to steady herself.

Maggie's hand rests briefly on her shoulder, encouraging her to follow as Alex walks toward a door at the far end of the garage.

The longer they walk, the quieter it gets, and the heavier the air begins to feel.

At every door, and with every key and code and lock, her steps falter with the fear she'll be left behind.

But she never is.

And so her steps resume their proposed pace and she follows almost blindly, focused only on the singular task of moving forward, of seeing Kara.

When Alex finally pauses Lena finds herself in front of one last door. The Agent's hand stills on the panel, but she doesn't open it. She turns around instead, clearing her throat and steadying her gaze. Lena can't be sure, but she thinks this is the first time any of them have spoken since leaving her apartment.

"She. We don't. We don't know at what rate her body is going to be able to heal itself. She didn't solar flare, at least not during the fight. We still aren't sure what happened. All we know is that right now her cells are depleted, and she isn't responding well to the solar lights."

Alex pauses, lets them understand the implications of what she's said.

"I have to help get the stasis unit ready. We think, maybe, her body will respond better when it's under less stress. I need…I need you both to be here with Kara for me. She shouldn't…I don't want her to feel alone."

Lena nods. Alex steps forward pulling Maggie and her into her arms and looking them both in the eye one last time.

Her eyes say everything her words didn't.

She's giving them both the chance to be with Kara, to do the thing her sister asked of her.

Lena can't bring herself to look up right away, and so the first thing she notices as the door opens is that everything is a little louder again. That the sterile air is punctuated by the whirr of machines and the echo of monitors. She thought it would be comforting, the reassurance of Kara's heartbeat in her ears, but it's sounds so wrong now, so different from the steady rhythm she remembers underneath her fingertips.

Stepping further into the room she realizes that underneath the pale blue of the hospital gown, Kara is still laying on the tattered remains of her suit.

It's a cruel juxtaposition and a haunting reminder.

Her eyes shift to what she can see of the charred emblem.

She lets fingers her brush the fabric of Kara's cape and pauses when they come away stained by ash and blood.

Her legs shake, and hands hesitate.

She prays to god's she doesn't believe in and god's she doesn't know.

She holds her breath and bites back tears.

"I don't want to hurt her."

And the words mean so much more than they say, but still Maggie answers back, "You won't."

And finally, she reaches out, longing for Kara's warmth, for her touch.

/-/

Maggie can't help but want to follow Alex, but she knows that she needs to be here, that she needs to be with Kara while Alex can't and that Lena doesn't deserve to be alone now.

She watches Lena's eyes hesitate to leave the floor as she draws a shaking hand up to tuck her hair behind her ear. It's a sight so achingly familiar that it reminds her all at once of Kara, of the hero's own anxious gestures and the vulnerability they are meant to hide. She can't help but think then how similar they are, Lena and Kara. How easy it is to forget how young they are, how much they've lost. Maggie knows this is a side of Lena only a few people have ever known. That maybe Kara is the only one left who does.

She moves forward across from where Lena is standing, and her heart breaks at the way the younger woman's hand hesitates over Kara's own.

Neither one of them has even seen her so broken.

Lena's voice mirrors her hesitation when she speaks "I don't want to hurt her."

Maggie moves closer to her, "You won't." And she wishes she could smile then as Lena's hand finally rests on Kara's, but all she sees is the blood marring Kara's skin.

Too many times she has woken up to Alex's nightmares of moments like this. Too many times she's been there after close call and near misses. But she realizes now that she's only ever been there after. That despite the danger of their jobs and the reality of Kara's identity, this is the first time she's been in this room, it's the first time she's seen Kara as anything but unbreakable.

Maggie's only ever felt this helpless one other time in her life.

Her hands open and close at her side demanding a task. Something. Anything.

She looks again at the matted blood in Kara's hair, at the torn skin of her knuckles and she moves quietly toward the sink.

Filling a small basin with warm water, Maggie places it on the table next to Kara's bed along with several clean towels.

She slowly lets some of the warm water drip lightly onto the back of Kara's other hand, and as gently as she can, she starts to clean away the blood and soot.

When the towel in her hands is turned pink by her efforts, she turns back to the basin, wringing the tainted water through her hands. Turning around again she feels a light pressure on her wrist, and she looks up to see Lena's outstretched hand and fragile smile.

Maggie hands Lena another towel, and watches as the younger woman's delicate fingers trace the outline of Kara's face revealing the rows of stitches and bruised skin underneath.

By the time they are done, it seems like such a small thing to have done, but at that moment, it was enough.

She looks again at Kara's hands. Hands that have fought and comforted now held tight in desperate need.

Her mind wanders to what ifs. To losing and letting go. To coming home and holding on. To Kara and Alex and Lena. To J'onn and James and Winn.

She wonders how they have all managed to find each other in the face of so much.

Lena is across from her still, seated next to Kara's head. The same hands that only moments ago were tainted with blood now smoothing away the blonde's hair from her face.

Lena leans in closer and tears fall freely as whispers of prayer or promise or both leave her lips.

As she finishes, the door behind them opens once more, and Maggie waits for the familiar cadence of Alex's footsteps.

Hesitating only briefly, she moves closer to Kara.

Her own whispered words fill the air.

"This isn't all you get Kara. There's so much more, I promise. We're right here. All of us."

* * *

Comments and feedback are wanted and helpful


	8. What Fears May Come (3x02)

Summary: An alternative take on the episode "Triggers". What if Kara wasn't the only one who is targeted by Psi? What does Lena fear the most, and what what happens if she remembers it? Lena knows that Kara is Supergirl, but Kara doesn't know it.

A/N: A new story for the new year. Thanks for reading!

* * *

Lena stumbles backward as the world tilts sideways.

A sharp pain forces a hand to her head as her eyes blink rapidly trying to adjust to the light.

 _What the hell is going on?_

Where is she?

She had been going to the bank.

She remembers the fight in her office, her frustration at Kara's refusal to tell her the truth — to let her help.

She remembers insisting they go together to interview her source, remembers Kara's reluctant smile and her obvious pain.

Kara. She has to find Kara.

She tries to look around, but everything is shifting in and out of focus.

She closes her eyes, trying to remember anything else as the images around her continue to blur.

It comes in flashes.

Shouts.

Panic.

Fear gripping her chest.

Kara stepping in front of her.

Kara, not Supergirl.

Lena opens her eyes again, the memories replaced by static silence and vacant greys.

Dim lights illuminate the space around her.

The acrid smell of blood and gunpowder fills the air and drops of crimson stain the floor at her feet.

She feels the cool metal of a gun in her hand.

An unexpected noise from behind startles her, and she turns, gun raised, the sudden movement bringing back the dizziness and ringing in her ears.

Her breath catches in her throat at the sight of her mother, a cold dead stare in her eyes and a sadistic smile on her face.

Lena's finger flinches on the trigger for just a second before her eyes shift to the floor between them.

The image of Kara, trembling and pale, lying in a pool of blood fills her vision.

Lena stumbles forward without thinking, her feet barely staying under her long enough as she falls on her knees next to Kara.

Lena's hands flitter uselessly and wasted seconds pass as her brain struggles to catch up with the sight of her best friend bleeding out in front of her.

She can hear Kara's desperate attempts to fill her lungs with air, see the rapid rise and fall of her chest as her body desperately tries to replace the blood it is losing.

Kara's eyes fix upward, unfocused, not even registering the pain that must come as Lena's hands try desperately to apply pressure to the wound on her chest.

"No, no, no…. Kara please, Kara you have to stay with me."

Lena presses harder still as tears cloud her vision and warm crimson stains her hands.

Kara's eyes squeeze shut with the added pressure, her rapid breathes becoming shallow gasps.

Lena watches as hazy blue eyes open again, this time finding her own.

A smile ghosts across Kara's face, and as firmly as it can, her hand wraps around Lena's wrist.

Lena knows she is suffocating in her own blood.

She knows there is nothing she can do

But even as Kara tells her silently to let go, even as her heart slows under her hands, Lena holds onto her disillusioned hope.

"No dammit. Don't you dare. Come on."

Kara's mouth opens and closes, her chest barely rising.

The words are muddled and quiet, forcing their way between the last desperate breathes of her blood-filled lungs.

"I-I'm sorry…I broke, broke my prom-promise…I don't wa-ant, to… want to leave."

She finds Kara's eyes one more time, and even now, even here, they are the most striking shade of blue she's ever seen.

Lena feels Kara's hand loosen from her wrist, watches as it finally falls away.

She looks at her own hands, at the blood they couldn't contain. Her chest heaves with anger and grief.

Picking up the gun, she staggers to her feet, her hands shaking with the effort it takes to keep it level as she points it at her mother.

Lillian looks down at Kara, expressionless. "She wasn't who you thought she was."

Lena takes a step closer her voice encumbered with rage "Don't; you don't get to talk about her"

Lillian doesn't move. Doesn't even try to defend herself. "She was a liar. She was using you."

Lena's finger tightens on the trigger. "You don't know anything."

Lillian moves closer, mocking her. "She didn't trust you with the truth. Why would she? You were nothing but a Luthor to her. And what's worse, you know now she was right."

Lillian steps forward again. "You can feel it now can't you, everything you've tried to hold back. It's time to accept your fate daughter."

Lena takes the remaining steps in quick succession until the barrel of the gun is resting against the center of her mother's chest. "I'm going to kill you!"

The sound of slow, exaggerated claps fills the air and Lena freezes when she recognizes the voice that accompanies it.

"There she is."

Lena keeps the gun level on her mother as she turns to face her brother.

"There's the Lena I've been waiting for."

Lena watches as Lex kneels on the floor next to Kara's body, pushing the hair away from her face almost tenderly.

She shifts the gun toward her brother. "Don't touch her."

He only smiles at her and moves his hands to Kara's chest. "It's time you realized who you really are."

Lena watches silently as he unbuttons the front of Kara's shirt, revealing the blood-stained emblem underneath.

"It's just such a shame it took you so long. We could have done some many great things by now had you only come around sooner."

Lex stands up gesturing to the gun in her hands. "Had you only known your true potential."

Filled with a sudden, aching terror, Lena looks at the gun in her hands and for the first time notices the subtle green tint at the end of the barrel.

The harsh sound of metal meeting concrete reverberates through the empty room as the gun falls to the floor beside her.

She drops to her knees, tears falling down her face as silent sobs wrack her body and she stares at her hands still coated in Kara's blood.

Her brother crouches in front of her, his rough hands drawing her chin up forcefully so that she is looking him in the eye. "Now, now. There's no reason to cry, dear sister. There's nothing left to hold you back now."

Lena chokes back her tears and the bile rising in her throat. "I will never help you."

Lex holds her jaw steady with his hand as he turns her head toward Kara's body.

"you already have."

Lena feels herself fall back on her heels, her body laden with hatred and guilt as everything fades away.

The blinding pain in her head returns and with it a cacophony of sounds.

She opens her eyes expecting dim lights and blank walls.

But it's brighter here, louder, and the winter air is cold against her skin as it comes through the open doors

Out of her the confusion, the world rights itself.

it wasn't real, and she isn't there.

Her mother is gone, Lex is gone, Kara is….

Kara.

Lena draws her hands in front of her, and immediately her panicked thoughts become panicked words as the lingering scent of copper hangs in the air.

"No, no. It can't be real; it can't be real."

Her breathes come in rapid succession as she tries to wipe the blood from her hands.

Another voice interjects her own "It's not Lena, It's not real. It's not."

And she thinks it's a lie. It has to be a lie because there's still blood on her hands, Kara's blood.

But the voice repeats its reassurances and something about it is calm, and familiar, and forces her attention.

"Lena. Lena. You have to look at me okay. You cut your hands on some broken glass. I promise you're safe; Kara's safe. I've got you. Just breath. It's all over. "

Lena focuses on the words. On the glittering remains of glass than litter her palms. On the sharp sting of pain and the fresh drops of blood that comes when as she flexes her fingers.

Blood.

Her blood.

Not Kara's.

Kara is safe.

Kara isn't dead.

When she finally looks up, Alex is kneeling in front of her, her hands gently grasping her wrists, so she doesn't make the cuts any worse.

But Lena pushes away.

The feeling of Alex's hands, the reminder of Kara's is too much.

Because even if it's over, even if it was never true she finds herself desperate for forgiveness.

Alex's hands move toward her again, waiting for permission.

Lena gives in, pleading to forget.

"Get it off. Please Alex. Please just get it off. Please. I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

* * *

Thoughts? Feelings? Follow up? ... Let me know.


	9. What Fears May Come (Part 2)

A/N: Thanks to all for reading and leaving feedback. Sorry for the belated follow-up, but it took soooo much longer than I thought it would to figure out the character arc and structure and I'm still not sure it's quite there. Here goes nothing…

* * *

Light filters through the haze of dust as muffled cries and broken prayers strain themselves to be heard above the grating sound of shattered glass beneath Alex's feet.

She watches paramedics struggle to calm those still huddled on the floor warring with themselves over what is real and imagined. She sees officers usher out others who can only follow blindly in relief.

It's a scene that seems altogether disconnected from itself, and she should have expected it. Maggie had warned her of the chaos, of the panic and confusion left behind. She had seen traces of it yesterday in Kara's haunted eyes and heard it echoed in her unsteady voice.

She should have expected it, but she isn't sure she could have ever imagined it.

Her steps are deliberate and measured as she makes her way further inside, but it isn't until she hears her name in the familiar cadence of Maggie's voice as it rises above the room's surreal din that she is shaken from the confines of her thoughts.

"Danvers!"

Her attention shifts and her steps quicken when she sees Maggie barely managing to contain her confused and frantic sister.

Finally reaching them, Alex tries to make sense of Kara's hurried speech and distant gaze.

"Kara you have to calm down, you're going to hurt Maggie if you don't stop."

Kara doesn't stop, her mind still stuck between the images behind her eyes and the faces in front of her, but at least she seems to out of it to realize how easily she could overpower the both of them.

"I have to get out. I can't; I don't —she was here."

Alex grabs her sister's wrist and holds her hand to her chest so she can feel her there with her.

"I'm here Kara. Let me help. Who was here?"

Kara stills, her eyes finding Alex's as she blinks away the last reminders of the nightmare within herself.

"I couldn't stop it. I tired. Lena. I tried to get out. You have to make sure she's okay Alex. You have to make sure."

Kara's eyes are clear again as worry replaces fear.

Alex looks around but can't find Lena among those still inside. Maybe she's isn't here. Maybe someone else already got her out. Maybe….shit.

Alex must see her at the same time Maggie does because her fiancé's hand is at her shoulder and she is telling her to go — that she has Kara, that it's okay — before she is even fully on feet.

The first thing she notices is the blood on floor and Lena's hands. It's not enough for her to panic, but it's certainly enough to be concerned, and it isn't clear right away where it's coming from.

"Lena. Lena look at me. You need to tell me where your hurt."

Lena doesn't answer, just shakes her head back and forth as her eyes remain fixed on her hands.

"No, no. It can't be real; it can't be real."

Alex slowly reaches toward her, hands gently stilling Lena's enough that she can see the cause of the blood, stop it from getting worse.

"It's not Lena; It's not real. It's not."

Lena shakes her head again and Alex can do nothing but try once more to reassure her.

"Lena. Lena! You have to look at me okay. You cut your hands on some broken glass. I promise you're safe; Kara's safe. I've got you. Just breath. It's all over. "

She waits for any sign of recognition. Any sign of relief.

Seconds, maybe minutes pass before Lena's breathing hitches slightly, and her eyes close, breaking their distant stare.

When they open again Alex startles as Lena pushes herself away, her eyes filled immeasurable pain as she rubs her hands frantically on the fabric of her clothes trying to rid themselves of the blood now diluted by tears.

Alex moves closer again, hands raised in front of her waiting —worried— until Lena's fragile voice and pleading eyes grant her permission.

"Get it off. Please, Alex, please just get it off. Please. I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

Alex pulls Lena forward, lets the younger woman fall into her as she quietly breaks apart.

* * *

Lena is used to memories that haunt. To the burden of dreams distorted by time and fear.

She knows the feeling of waking up lost. Of feeling alone and begging for dawn to come and dangers to fade.

But for all of the hours she's spent restrained by fear never has her panic felt this real. Never has she wondered behind closed eyes if this is what it would feel like to watch everything inside her die.

A distant scream pulls her from the threads that hold her down.

Tired and exposed, she counts the seconds that pass until her breathing evens, and her heart quiets, but she can't stop her mind as it drifts away again.

She thinks of who she was this morning.

She thinks of who she is afraid she is today.

...

 _Lena feels the weight of the wool blanket wrapped loosely around her shoulders protecting her from the biting winter air._

 _The static from the radio penetrates the unfiltered noise of the world around her and grants reprieve to the chaos both outside and within._

 _She watches Alex pull the last few stitches taught — the furrow of her brow reminding her of Kara — and soon the only reminder of what happened is concealed by clean white bandages._

 _Lena winces as she opens and closes her hands but finds comfort in the pain. The pain is something real; a sharp and unrelenting reminder that the truth is never numb._

 _Lena looks at Alex and can't help but wonder why she is still here. She isn't used to the feeling of being looked after' —cared for._

 _"You should be with Kara."_

 _"She's okay. Maggie is with her" Alex reassures her again as she pulls the blanket around her tighter. "plus she made me promise not to leave you alone."_

 _Lena looks up, her confusion seemingly evident on her face as Alex continues._

 _"When I got here, she was still pretty out of it, but she wouldn't let anyone help her until you were taken care of. I promised her I would make sure you were safe."_

 _As they finish talking, Maggie comes over and leans in close to Alex whispering something in her ear. Alex looks briefly at Lena and then back at the detective before speaking up._

 _"You up for some company? Kara is done being checked out and has apparently moved on to annoying the hell out of Maggie._

 _Lena appreciates the levity in Alex's words and the sense of normalcy she is trying to project. She wants nothing more at that moment than for things to feel normal again. Anything to pretend that this was nothing more than another nightmare._

 _After a slight hesitation, she is nodding her head, and Maggie turns around motioning across the way to someone._

 _Kara emerges from behind another van that had been parked a couple of yards away, and Lena's hands clutch at the fabric of the blanket as she tries to stop the feeling of guilt and dread that returns when she finally sees her._

 _Kara looks as tired as Lena feels. Her arms wrap tightly around herself, folded across her chest, as her eyes flitter nervously around her. She seems guarded— scared. Nothing of Kara in that moment resembles the hero Lena knows her to be, and she wonders if she was wrong after all, that Kara is as human as herself._

 _Before she realizes it, they are close enough that Lena can hear the heavy sigh of relief as it leaves Kara's chest and she watches as the haunted look she had seen only moments ago is replaced by one of honest concern._

 _Without breaking her stride Kara's steps into the space in front of Lena, her strong arms wrapping around her in fragile comfort._

 _Lena stiffens at the sudden contact but soon relaxes and lets her head rest on Kara's shoulder. She concentrates on the feeling of her hands on Kara's back. On the way, they move in time with her breathing proving she is here — proving she is alive. Her grip tightens, and Lena finds herself silently begging for this feeling to replace forever the memory of Kara's stillness._

 _Kara's own grip tightens in return, her quiet voice in Lena's ear._

 _"I couldn't make it stop Lena. I'm sorry. I couldn't make it stop."_

 _But for Lena it's too much._

 _Too much like the last breath they ever shared._

 _Too much like promises they both had broken._

 _She can't do this. She can't handle Kara's apologies when she can still feel the ghost of her blood on her hands._

 _Images real and imagined blur together to such a disorienting effect that she doesn't even realize her hands are fisted in the front of Kara's shirt until she feels a gentle pressure trying to ease them open._

 _"Relax Lena; you're going to hurt yourself."_

 _She looks up at Kara, her blue eyes threatening to pull her back into that room. To watch her die again and again —to have to kill her again and again._

 _She needs it to stop. She needs to be anywhere else but inside her head._

 _Her hands drop away suddenly, and Kara takes a step back sensing her panic._

 _She can feel Kara's hesitation. Can feel the hands that hover just above her own unsure of what to do or what is needed._

 _She wants to reach out, but doesn't._

 _Wants to seek her comfort, but can't._

 _She says Kara's name._

 _She says she's sorry._

 _But like an echo never heard it's so quiet maybe she doesn't even say it at all._

...

The memory fades and returns her to herself.

She has to move now, get up now, forget now, and it all seems possible except for the last.

Because she can still feel Kara in her arms. She can still remember the look in her eyes. Eyes that all at once seemed her only hope and her greatest fear. Eyes that had borne witness to their own demons that morning. Eyes that begged her not to go even as she retreated.

She thinks of Kara and why she let her leave.

She thinks of all the things keeping them apart.

She thinks about promises and trust and secrets. Of the all the words between them that morning that had failed and hurt and lied. Of how some lies are as good as truths when they were told enough — believed enough.

Lena thinks of all these things until she doesn't know the difference between fear and anger and shame.

She grasps at the stark white sheets around her wanting only of comfort in a room that feels suddenly too empty, too cold, and too calm.

 _'I think when I feel things again, I'm... I'm going to be very, very afraid. About the person, I might be.'_

She knows that person now. What it feels like to be her and what it takes to become her. Because even if killing Kara had only been a nightmare —a lie born out of fear— the anger she had felt and the revenge she had desired was all too real.

She thinks again of Kara and that night on her couch

 _'I'll protect you. I promise'_

But Lena knows now that Kara cannot protect her from herself, that this burden was hers alone to keep and carry and bury.

* * *

A/N Please forgive me for all the exposition in this chapter but it seems to be what I do best, or at least most :) . I promise it will come around to a Kara/Lena resolution in the end but I also want to find a way to get Maggie and Alex in as well.

Comments always welcome and appreciated


	10. What Fears May Come (Part 3)

As Kara and Lena both struggle, Alex and Maggie step in.

Still working up to a Kara/Lena conclusion, but couldn't pass this up on the way. Hope it works.

Translation from Darren Doyle ( )

* * *

 _Rao, make my life light_

 _.,rao, sokaofidh nahn w khuhp i ehrosh ni :divi_

 _Rao, build my strength_

 _.,rao, sokaokypzrhiges w khuhp i raogrhys_

The words have never left her, but they feel lost all the same. She is the only one who knows them now. The only one who finds comfort in their memory, who hears the solace in their grace.

The door opens and closes. Her voice fades and the words hidden away once more.

"What are you doing?"

Kara looks up at her sister's voice.

"It's a Kryptonian meditation, an ancient mantra to strengthen the mind."

Her fingers tangle in the edges of her sweater as Alex sits in across from her.

"I've never seen you do that before."

She shrugs, thinks how after all this time, there are still things she's never shared, pieces of herself that belong to another time and another place.

"I've never felt like I needed it."

Her answers are short and brief and weighted with expectation. Kara knows why her sister is here. Knows it isn't this.

Alex tries to break the tension between them

"Winn's still working on the physic dampening technology."

But Kara's too tired to pretend.

"He told you, didn't he?" she asks as she stands and turns away.

"Well he's not very good at keeping secrets"

Kara leans against the counter.

"He shouldn't have done that."

And she knows it isn't Winn's fault, that what she asked of him wasn't fair, but the words had still come out blunt and sharp.

"He was just trying to help Kara."

She doesn't want anyone's help, she doesn't deserve it. She just wants to beat Psi and forget everything else.

"I mean we used to talk to each other about this kind of stuff."

She tries again to get Alex to let it go.

"I didn't want you to worry."

But after months of giving in Alex pushes back.

"You fight the most dangerous and evil people on the planet, so I'm kind of always gonna worry."

Kara struggles to control her grip on the glass in her hand. Like everything else it feels on the verge of breaking apart. Frustrated, she turns to her sister. her voice rising and breaking. A part of her angry, a part of her ashamed, a part of her just wanting to forget.

"Well I don't know how to fight this one!"

They both pause, either unwilling or unsure of what to say next.

Alex moves toward her, her hand reaching out

"Kara…"

And for a second she wants to give in, to let Alex protect her from this too, but she feels herself step back instead.

Why couldn't she have just let this go?

"No you don't understand! You don't — I couldn't breathe, I couldn't think. She was inside my mind, she made me watch, she made me…"

Kara's heartbeat echoes in her ears as she stops.

Alex steps forward again, hesitating in the distance between them.

Seconds pass, slow and drawn, until something inside her breaks; no longer content to bury the pain that she hiding behind.

Her voice quivers as she speaks but once she's started she can't stop.

"The voices used to keep me up at night. I couldn't make them stop. I could hear them all, but there was nothing I could do. They wouldn't stop."

Kara closes her eyes. She can still hear them now. All the prayers met by silence. All the calls for help unanswered. She can always hear them. Like the ever-present hum that lingers in a world that is never quiet and never still, they never leave her.

"I had to make the choice every day to ignore them, to forget them, to be human. I chose to protect you, to protect Eliza. I had already cost you both so much and you, you were everything I had left."

Kara can feel the tears in her eyes and she knows Alex can see them too.

"But I don't have to choose anymore. I can go out there and I can help people. I can make a difference in the world and still keep the people I love safe."

She feels her voice start to rise again, but she is too tired to be angry, too defeated.

"Psi took that away. She made me feel as lost as I did inside that pod, as helpless as I did those first nights on earth."

Kara's wraps her arms tightly around herself as she sinks to the floor.

Tired, she rests her head against the wall and allows for a moment to pass as Alex sits down next to her. She looks at her and the words are just loud enough to hear.

"I watched as Krypton died, as everything around me burned into a silence I will never forget. And then when I opened my eyes all I saw Lena was looking back at me and it was another kind of pain. Another reminder that I can't protect everyone. I saw how scared she was, how lost. I let that happen. I should have been able to stop it, but I couldn't. I watched instead as something inside her broke. I felt one world die and I let another shatter."

By the end of it all, her voice is quiet and raw and any words that remain go unsaid as Alex pulls her forward in a desperate kind of need.

Kara closes her eyes and listens for the steady rhythm of Alex's heartbeat. She focuses on the sound until it's all there is and she hears herself whispers back "Rao, make my life light Rao, build my strength"

... ... ... ...

* * *

... ... ... ...

Maggie Sawyer is not who Lena expects to see when she answers her door and for a moment she worries that something's happened even though there is nothing to suggest it.

"I'm sorry to bother you at home Lena, but I needed to get a statement about yesterday and Jess said you had left for the day already. Which, by the way, I have to admit she seemed rather concerned about. "

Lena feels herself relax a little but keeps the door only partly open, neither inviting the Detective in or shutting her out and silently hoping she will just leave.

"She shouldn't be Detective Sawyer. I'm fine. Perhaps a bit tired, but fine"

"It would be okay if you weren't you know."

Lena raises her eyebrow but ignores the statement. She doesn't want to talk about what happened. She doesn't want to talk about all the ways she is definitely not okay.

"I'm afraid I won't be much help. I don't really remember any more of what happened at the bank than you've probably already gathered from the security cameras."

Maggie shrugs her shoulders.

"Can we give it a go anyway? Standard procedure and all that. I promise not to bring out the cuffs this time."

Lena sighs but relents, motioning for her to join her in living room. Once they are sitting across from one another she watches as Maggie pulls a small notebook from her pocket and leads right into her questions.

"Kara told me you were going to interview a source at the bank regarding Morgan Edge."

She balks a little at the mention of Kara, but Lena manages to nod. She could do this. She could handle facts.

"Yes. Kara was doing a story and I had some connections I thought might be helpful"

"When you got there did anything seem off. Did you notice anything out the ordinary?"

Lena can't help but think how trite the question seems, but answers it anyway.

"While I am probably more aware than most with regard to potential threats. I wasn't looking around for trouble Detective. Contrary to popular belief there are places in this city I can go without risk of assassination."

Or at least there were she thinks silently.

"Okay, let's back up then. Did you drive, walk, take the bus?"

Lena watched as Maggie's lip lifted into a smile at the end of the question and allowed herself to do the same.

"Yes well, despite Kara's affinity for public transportation, I did insist my driver take us."

Maggie makes a note in her book.

"What then?"

And for the first time Lena starts to reconsider.

"I don't see how this will be helpful"

"Well I'm the one with the badge." Maggie reminded her half-jokingly.

A heavy sigh left Lena's chest. Facts, she just had to remember the facts.

"We were waiting in the front lobby for the manager. It couldn't have been more than a couple minutes…then the glass doors behind us just kind of exploded.

"Kara was with you"

Lena nodded

"Did you see anyone come in."

She pauses a moment. Her pulse quickening unexpectedly.

"A blonde. Black jacket. Black pants. I didn't see her face. Kara, she, Kara stepped in front of me."

Another note.

"What next?"

Lena feels her words became less measured, less scripted.

"I don't know…Part of it felt real, but most of it just felt like a dream. The whole room was closing in on itself. Everything just kind of collapsed into something else."

She clears her throat and looks up at the detective, waiting for another question, but it doesn't come and before she can think any better of it she starts talking again just wanting to get through this.

"I don't know how long it was. I didn't even hear the police when they came in. The next thing I really remember was Agent Danvers in front of me."

Lena's voice stops, but the far-away look in her eyes, the distant gaze veiled by the tears barely held back, hides the memories that follow, the ones she is unwilling to admit, the ones she is desperate to forget.

The sound of a glass being placed on the table in front of her draws her back to Maggie.  
Lena hadn't even noticed the sound of the tap running, of footsteps leaving and returning. She would have thought no time had passed at all without the glass of water now held in her hands as evidence.

"Do you want to talk about what you saw?"

Maggie's voice startles her but she is quick to respond nonetheless.

"I don't remember"

Lena knew her voice betrayed her words but she still hoped Maggie believed them.

She didn't.

"You know I thought you'd be a better liar that that."

"Maybe I'm not lying?"

"Maybe, but I doubt it."

Lena looks down at the glass of water and watches the drops of condensation as they run down the side of the glass. It reminds her of water dripping onto the floor, of blood running down her hands.

"You know, Kara is a really terrible liar too."

Lena looks up when Maggie pauses.

"But you already know that, don't you?"

Lena looks back down at her hands, at bandages still on her palms, and she has to wonder if after everything, if after all this time, if it could really be this easy to finally admit the truth. Maybe one burden was enough to carry.

She hesitates but nods her head slightly. "For some time now"

Maggie smiles back at her "But for as bad of a liar as she is, she's stubborn about admitting it if she thinks keeping things hidden will protect the people she cares about. She's had a lot of practice at it too. I'm starting to think it's a trait the two of you share."

A long silence settles between them until Lena feels Maggie's hand come to rest on her own.

"It wasn't real Lena, whatever you saw, whatever you're afraid of, you don't have to protect her from it."

Lena pulls her hand back, fingers coming up to tuck a stray hair behind her ear. She doesn't intend to say what she does next but she had to make Maggie understand that protecting Kara is exactly what she was needed to do.

"Have you ever watched someone die?"

As soon as she's said them, she knows her words are unexpected, but the detective in front of her doesn't even flinch and looks at her with nothing but understanding in her eyes.

"Twice…and I can tell you that even once is one time too many"

Maggie pauses, echoing the same refrain from before.

"But you already know that too, don't you?"

Lena looks down, wringing her hands together in front of her.

"I told Kara once that I felt numb, that when I started to feel things again, I was afraid of the person I might become."

"I bet she told you she wouldn't let that happen. I bet she told you she'd protect you."

Lena nods. Pauses.

"But what if she can't? What if no one can? What I saw, what I felt. Some part of it was real."

Maggie waits until Lena looks up at her.

"Kara trusts you, she believes in you. You're used to the weight of the world and that's fine. But whatever it is Lena, you have to give her a chance to prove you wrong. I think she's earned it, don't you?"

Lena doesn't answer, just sits, hand folded in her lap.

Maggie stands pulling a card from her notebook and hands it to Lena.

"It seems like with all the trouble you get into, it may be helpful to have the NCPD on speed dial."

Lena looks the card over. Turns it in her hand to see Alex and Maggie's numbers written on the back.

"And just so you know, Kara isn't the only one who believes in you anymore. You've got all of us now."

* * *

Yes? No? Good? Bad? Let me know in the little box underneath, and as always thanks for reading.


	11. What Fears May Come (Part 4)

For some reason, I seemed to have psyched myself out with this story because this is version like 10 of this chapter, but I really hated not being able to give you guys an update so I figured I'd throw this at the wall and see if it sticks.

* * *

Kara feels her feet begin to slide on the pavement as her grip falters.

Her arm feels heavy and tired and with each blast it falls a little farther.

But still she tries to step forward.

Still she tries to stay standing.

She has to.

For the people she loves and city she is sworn to.

For herself.

Because this can't go on.

And for the nightmares to stop, for the fear to cease, she has to be the one who end this.

But Kara can feel the barrier between them giving way as Psi presses deeper into her mind, the world shifting once more between the black of space and the chaos around her.

Her heartbeat hammers in her ears.

Her breaths comes too shallow and too fast.

She tries again to step forward.

Tries again to fight back.

But the pressure in her head becomes unbearable as the noises grow louder, nearer, and altogether inescapable.

The inhibitor lies broken and forgotten at her feet, abandoned by hands that now grip tightly against the side of her head in the vain effort of relief.

Kara closes her eyes as a blinding array of colors floods her vision and she staggers back falling heavily onto her knees.

Somewhere Alex's voice screams in ear.

Somewhere cameras document her failure.

Somewhere Lena watches her fall.

But she hears none of it, sees none of it, and the last sensation she has before the world turns black is that of once again hurtling through space.

* * *

For two days Lena manages it.

For two days she carries the burden she promised herself.

She ignores Maggie's words.

Forgets Kara's promise.

And It's a hollow victory in a war fought never to be won, but for two days it's enough.

It's enough, until it isn't.

The sky is bright and clear, but the day is anything but calm.

In front of her messages of warning flash across a screen filled with images of panic and destruction.

The sound is on, but the words said go unheard and unheeded.

All she sees is Kara.

And as she watches the hero drop to her knees the images on the screen bleed into those from her nightmares.

 _She is no longer in her office then._

 _No longer in the present._

 _She is back in the confines of her mind._

 _Standing once again with a gun leveled at her mother's chest._

 _But this time Kara is next to her, her words breaking through the pain that she feels and the hatred that she is trying to fight._

 _"_ _Lena you don't have to do this."_

 _But she doesn't move. Doesn't turn away. Her voice tinged with anger, and sadness, and desperation._

 _"_ _She'll never stop. Don't you see that she'll never stop."_

 _Kara's hand rests on her arm and Lena looks at her, tears falling down her face._

 _"_ _Then we'll stop her. Together. But not like this."_

 _Lena looks back at her mother and has never wanted to believe Kara's promise more than now, but It feels like the only choice, like the only way to make it all end._

 _No more penance._

 _No more atonement._

 _No more fear._

 _No more pain._

 _She feels her finger tighten on the trigger and her voice is quiet, and broken, and distant even to her own ears as she tries to make Kara understand._

 _"_ _I just…I just want it to end."_

 _Then she closes her eyes and prays that it will._

 _But there is no sound of her mother falling, just the echo of a gunshots, and when she opens her eyes she sees Kara is in front of her, sees the bullet that lies between them bent harmlessly at her feet, sees the red that blossoms from her chest as she falls once more to the ground._

 _And she already knows how this ends. Like a memory inside a nightmare she knows she doesn't save Kara, that she watches her bleed out under her hands._

 _But this time there are no tears, no painful goodbyes, and the blood is already on her hands._

 _Lena feels nothing but cold detachment as she grabs Lillian by the collar of her jacket and presses her against the wall behind them before wrenching the gun from her grasp._

 _Her mother doesn't even try to fight back, just looks straight into her eyes and through gritted teeth tells Lena the truth she always feared._

 _"_ _You may not have pulled the trigger Lena, but she still died because of you. Always trying to save you, it was always going to end this way. She should've let you kill me. She should've let you be the Luthor you are. Then she'd still be alive."_

 _Lena steps back and turns to look at Kara one last time._

 _Kara, who thought she was too good._

 _Who believed in her too much._

 _Who tried to stop her._

 _Who tried to save her._

 _Who couldn't._

 _And when she turns around again there is no hesitation, no thought, just the recoil of the gun in her hand._

* * *

Kara can feel the heat that surrounds her as the darkness breaks with the light of distant explosions and burning stars.

She can hear the echo of her own breathing and remember how it was the only sound left as the force each collision pushed her further and further toward the vortex in front her.

A piece of her is still part with the present and she closes her eyes trying to hide from the fate she is resigned.

When she opens them again, she is trapped once more in darkness.

But this is not the place she remembers, and she is no longer in her pod.

She is in a different kind of hell.

Standing instead in a blank void that stretches past any knowable distance.

She tries to fight it, to push back against this fallacy of her fears with words that echo in the empty air.

"This isn't real. I'm not here. I have to wake up. I have to go back."

And at the edges of her vision she can see the colors trying to seep through, trying to pull her back.

But then the voices come.

Their panic.

Their pain.

Their prayers.

And she tries hopelessly to find them.

Wants desperately to save them.

But there is no one there.

No one but her.

But still they don't stop.

Gripping onto the side of her head she tries to push them away, tapping out the familiar rhythm of heartbeats long ago memorized against her ear until she hears one voice above the others that makes her own heart stop.

Alex.

Kara turns around in the pitch-black space searching aimlessly for any sign of her sister as her voice calls out for her — calls out for help.

And there is an image in her head then of Alex floating in a tank. Eyes closed, breath gone, lifeless.

It's all so real, so frighteningly real that she is sure that somewhere Alex is in real danger, that the cries for help she hears.

And Kara runs, runs until Alex's voice feels closer, runs until she is knocked off her feet.

She presses her hands against the solid mass in front of her trying to find a way through, but it is a black as everything else around her.

She can hear Alex still. Hear her on the other side. And then one by one she listens as the other voices come.

Her mother.

Her father.

Her family

Her friends

Each person she's lost.

Each person she loves.

Each voice so full of pain it must be real.

Each voice leaving her struggling for breath.

And she tries again and again to break through, again and again to reach them. Her fists colliding over and over until her knuckles bleed and the blood winds down her forearm, until the voices fade, until once again she is alone.

And then her own voice starts its own horrible chorus

"I killed them. I killed them. I killed them. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry"

The words repeating over and over until they are a part with the silence.

When Alex finds her, Kara's hands are pressing so tightly against her head she is worried she may actually hurt herself and when she feels her flinch away from her hand she knows that a part of her is still there, still trapped.

"I killed them. I killed them"

She tries desperately to bring her back.

"Kara hey, it's me. It's Alex. It's okay, you're okay. You're not there, you're with me"

Her sister's head shakes with some sense of recognition, of presence, but a part of her is still somewhere else.

"I killed them. I couldn't. I couldn't get to them. They're dead…they're all dead"

Alex holds Kara's hand over her heart and her voice is stern but calm.

"Kara look at me."

And blue eyes marred by tears finally look back.

"That's good okay."

But they are distant, scared.

"I-I killed you. I-I killed them."

Alex holds Kara's hand tighter, presses it firmer.

"No, no. I'm here. Feel okay? Listen. I'm here."

Kara stills for a second and shakes her head again, but this time she's trying to clear her thoughts, to decide what's real.

"But I heard you. I heard them all."

Alex remembers then what her sister told her, what she really feared and she lets her other hand rest on the side of Kara's face.

"Listen to me, you've saved me so many times Kara. You've saved us all so many times. You can't save everyone, but that's not your fault. Just like me. We try to protect the people we can, we try to keep them safe, but sometimes we can't. It doesn't mean we've failed. It doesn't mean we're weak. It means we try again. It means we try harder."

She sees the look in her sister's eyes get clearer, her hands steadier as they push into the concrete around her.

"Alex"

And there is anger in Kara's voice, but also resolve as she bites back the lingering tears and readies for a fight.

"Go get her."

* * *

Lena comes to sitting on the floor of her office, knees tucked into her chest and head buried in her arms with the sound of gunshots ringing in her ears.

The sky around her is still light and the TV is still on but the fight outside is over and Kara stands tall and unbroken, helping people to their feet as the city once again settles.

She doesn't get up, doesn't know how long it takes for the tingling in her hands to go away or the tears to fade.

The knock at her door startles her and she pushes herself onto unsteady feet trying to put herself back together as best she can.

She opens the door to find Jess, worried and uncertain.

"I know you said not to disturb you Ms. Luthor, but this just came by courier."

Lena looks down at the envelope in her assistant's hands and pales at the postmark in the corner.

"Security cleared it and the jail confirmed it was sent by them"

Jess clears her voice to get her attention again.

"I, uh I didn't know if you would want it. Or if I should call someone to take care of it."

Hands still shaking from earlier, Lena reaches out to take envelope.

"No, it's okay. I'll take it. Thank You."

Jess stays in front of her, still uneasy.

"Should I call detective Sawyer or Agent Danvers?"

And Lena tries to sound as convincing as she can. As steady as she can.

"I'll call them if I need to. Thank you Jess."

Her assistant nods her head and back away from the door, closing it once more.

Lena looks down at the simple object in her hands. She tears the edge carefully, pulling out a single piece of paper lined with familiar script.

 _I'm sorry to hear you've been having nightmares again Lena. I know how troubling you always found them. – Lex_

* * *

I'm fighting to keep this one on target so please let me know if it's still working. The next installment should be the last chapter will a resolution and everything. A Kara/Lena conversation is coming…I promise, exposition just keeps getting in the way J.

Also an aside, I know the real postal system might not work this fast, but for the sake of the plot it does — sorry.


	12. What Fears May Come (part 5)

So I know I said this story was going to be 3 chapters, then 4, then 5, but I can't quite figure out how to end this and I wanted to at least put an update in to let you guys know I'm still here and still writing this story. Please don't give up on me!

* * *

The voices that haunt her still ring in her ears and her hands ache with the phantom pain of broken bones that were never real.

Her fears were not a lie, but they were not the only truth.

She can't bring back the things she's lost, but she can fight for the things that are still here, that are still hers.

The pavement cracks beneath her feet with a strength barely contained.

"What did you see I wonder? What brought the Girl of Steel to her knees?"

The voice taunts her not unlike the others and threatens to return her to the hell she just escaped.

But Alex's words, her faith, brings her back.

She finds strength in what remains and what is left to be saved.

"I'm not afraid of you."

Psi steps forward, unbelieving of her conviction.

"But I am not what you fear, am I?

She moves closer again and Kara sees the shift in her eyes.

"No. It's not me you fear."

Hears the words barley spoken.

"It's you"

And it is a simple quiet terror laid bare, uncovered from her own mind.

But it is the truth.

Kara's fingers dig into her palms until they threaten to bleed.

She thinks of the way Alex's voice broke when she begged her not to take her sister away.

Of the look on Lena's face, like she wasn't worth the truth.

Of Winn's desperate need to help her and the pain that was left when he couldn't.

She thinks of every bit of distance, every lie meant to protect them for what she really feared.

Her weakness.

Her failure.

Herself.

Kara barely feels the force that tries to push her back, barely feels herself move forward.

Psi's efforts are violent but futile.

This is no longer a fight with two sides, this is a war with one's self — the desperate struggle of a heart that will not rest and a mind that will not relent.

And with each hit Kara imagines her hand finally breaking through the glass that had separated her from her family.

* * *

Lena lets the water beat against her skin until she can no longer feel the heat; until the pale expanse of her body is red and raw and the only sensation left is its rhythmic vibration against her back.

She tries to lose herself in the feeling, let it wash everything away but the tiniest fragments of good that always seem to survive.

She thinks about how she has held onto those fragments, how her grip on them had sometimes faltered, but never fully gave way.

She thinks how there are more of them now than she ever thought there could be.

She wonders what will be left of them after this.

What good will remain.

She thought she could forget, could bury her feelings, thought it would be safer to never love someone enough to hurt them.

But it is hard to survive for one's self alone.

So she had to know.

She had to know what kind of anger is inside her.

Her brother had not known, and he had let it kill a part of himself, let him succumb to madness a so cruel he could hide from the suffering he caused and the destruction he sought.

And Lena would not let herself become that.

She would not let the herself forget the goodness and love and truth that fear and madness cast out.

She would rather die.

* * *

Maggie had never seen Kara fight like this before.

This recklessly, this personally.

She thinks of hands that shook in anger and pain as they held Rick Malverne against the wall and it was close, but even then, Kara knew with some part of herself that she had to hold back, that if she didn't she would kill the man in grasp.

There is a moment now though when Maggie fears she won't hold back this time, that she can't. That Kara will kill Psi and lose something of herself in the process.

Because Maggie saw the look in Kara's eyes that day in the bank. She knows what that kind of fear, that kind of loss can do to someone.

It was the same kind of loss that Lena was afraid of.

But Kara does stop.

And the fight ends with Kara's fist raised for one more punch that never comes. From the from the small, shitty, TV screen in the bullpen Maggie watches as Alex comes up to her and gently lowers her hand back to her side before she restrains the other woman.

Maggie knows there are words spoken between the sisters, words meant only for themselves and not the cameras that hover just out of the frame, and she is in awe again of Kara as she sees her shift back into the hero the city expects her to be.

The TV resumes its interrupted programming as a rookie cop comes up beside her.

"Excuse me detective, but there's someone from L-Corp on the line for you. I tried to take a message but they were insistent on speaking with you in person."

Maggie looks at the cop, Johnson she thinks, and tries to gauge the situation she is about to walk into because this kid looks too nervous for this to be some kind of social call.

"Is it Ms. Luthor?

"No ma'am, she said her name was Jess."

"Okay, mind filling me in"

"She said it was about Ms. Luthor's brother"

Well fuck.

* * *

Kara knows she is not being convincing.

She knows that Alex can see the tremors that have settled in her hands.

But she still tries.

She tries to pretend she's okay.

And maybe Alex feels sorry for her, maybe she realizes that the last place Kara wants to be is trapped in a small room, on and even smaller bed left alone with her thoughts under the light from a sun that will always feel foreign.

Because despite Kara's weak attempts to prove otherwise, they both know that she is far from okay, and still Alex lets her leave.

Or at least she was going to.

Until she gets a call.

Kara watches her sister through the glass of the Med Bay but she is too tired, and her senses too dulled from the fight to even try and listen in. Still, When Alex comes back into the room, Kara doesn't need her super hearing to know that it wasn't anything good.

"How much of that did you hear?"

Kara shrugs in response.

"Honestly I was too tired to even try."

Alex runs a hand through her hair out of nervous habit.

"Maggie got a call from Jess at the precinct"

And despite her fatigue, Alex now has Kara's full attention.

"Jess, Lena's Jess?"

"Yeah"

Alex pauses, and Kara thinks she's trying to figure out how to say what she has to in a way that won't have her flying out the window before she even finishes.

"Turns out Lena got a letter from Lex today. Jess didn't see what it said, but Lena seemed okay, didn't even want her to call anyone about it."

Another pause.

"But when she left she told Jess to clear she schedule for the next two days.

Kara doesn't hesitate this time, she rips off the monitor leads Alex had insisted on and stands from the exam table.

"Check L-Corp's company jet to see if it filed flight plans for a trip to Metropolis"

And she knows her request catches Alex a bit off guard.

"You think she would try to go see him?"

Kara thinks of Lena's confession when Jack died, of how she pushed her away that day at bank, about the pain in her eyes that wasn't for herself, but someone else.

It was the same pain she feared.

It was the same fear she fought.

Now Lena was going to do the same.

"I think that's exactly what she's going to do"

* * *

I know it wasn't a lot of Lena, but I didn't want to settle on something I wasn't happy with. I hope this at least holds the story over until I figure that part out.

As always thanks for reading. It's always great to here from you guys, so let me know what you think or what you might like to see happen in that little box below.


	13. What Fears May Come (Part 6)

Okay, here it is, we're headed toward the finish

* * *

We ask why.

We question.

We look.

For answers.

For meaning.

For reasons.

We search for clarity in what comes after these things, but never because of these things.

We imagine it as something that is always receding into the distance.

And there are times when life demands this illusion of depth, of the scale and atmosphere, of horizons; but there are also moments that demand we notice the fine lines and gentles shades of color that exist only when we look close up, that render a world that is real, and lived in, and experienced rather than always out of reach.

Her movements are quick and measured, practiced by a careful hand taught too early and too often the need to escape.

Maybe she should be anxious, afraid, but there's a strange sense of wanting, an unspoken need that calms her now,

She doesn't notice the things she packs. It doesn't matter. Physical things hold only as much importance as their function.

This was another thing Lena had learned; how to move from place to place, to start over again and again with new things in new places.

Eventually she learned how to leave behind people too. To never need them more than she would be willing to forget them.

It was the way she survived.

The way she moved forward.

But ever since she had opened the letter, Lena had found herself wrestling again against the voice of her brother and the memories of him somehow still intact.

Lena's hands abandon the task in front of her and find the now worn paper folded neatly on the bed.

She studies the contours of the letters still in the careful penmanship she remembers and tries to imagine the words in her brother's voice.

She thinks about how easily they could have come from a different life, written for another version of herself — how easily they could have been words meant to comfort rather than destroy.

She imagines too a picture she once had of both of them, sitting side by side, innocent of the things to come. But the picture is gone now, so is her brother, and she and the girl are no longer the same. The girl she remembers has not yet learned to run, not yet forgotten the only memory of her mother's voice. She is still innocent, still unaware. She does not live in a world where her brother was a monster.

* * *

Kara realizes as soon as she lands that she had not been too late, that by the steady sound of Lena's heartbeat she was still here — still safe.

And there is relief in that, but there is also the uncertainty of what to say now and who to be. So she steadies herself into the person she thinks Lena needs her to be rather than the still mending version of herself that she is.

Her hand falls against the heavy door, and inside she can hear the pause in Lena's movements, the hesitation in her steps, the rise in her heart rate as she decides between fight and flight.

She hears her own voice call out, and the lock finally slide open.

It's been two days since Kara has seen her. Two days consumed by her fears and the need to fight them. Two days of thinking Lena was okay when she knows now she wasn't.

And a feeling of guilt settles in her chest when takes in the darkened shadows of tired eyes that look back at her.

She should never have let Lena push her away.

She should have been here.

She should have made sure.

Lena steps back just enough for Kara to enter, but the movement is one of reluctance and not of the warmth she has come to expect.

Wordlessly she follows her as she retreats through her apartment and into her bedroom. Kara waits in the doorway noticing at once the open suitcase that must have been subject of Lena's focus before she came.

"Where are you going?"

Lena barley looks up as she closes the suitcase and walks back past Kara and into the living room.

"There is something in Metropolis I have to take care of."

And it strikes her then how easy these kinds of lies between them have become, how many of them she herself has told. All the Half-truths they have both accepted to protect each other.

But Kara is not certain now that she can say from what.

Lena moves again, pulling things from a desk in the corner.

"Lena, come on, just stop for a second."

"I can't Kara; I have a plane waiting."

Kara steps beside her and rests a hand on Lena's arm needing her to stop, to listen, to change her mind.

"I know he sent you a letter."

Lena pauses with her back to Kara but her words, like her face are a mask of focus and purpose.

"Then you know I have to go."

And it hurts so much to think that she did this, that she put this distance, this distrust, between them.

"Not like this. I can't let you go like this."

Fingers tighten around the papers in Lena's hands as she throws them back onto the desk and turns toward Kara; the careful words and the cautious movements that had been meant to hide behind now gone. Her eyes mirroring the panic and fear she herself had known only hours before,

"He sent her. He sent her here! It isn't just some coincidence that Psi picked National City to rob. Lex sent her."

Kara can hear the anger under the surface of her words, knows it is an anger at herself as she tries so desperately to prove to her it is not.

"It's not your job to figure that out. You're not the one who has to stop him. You can't just take off and just put yourself in danger like that. What if something happened to you?

But Lena's answer is quick and painful.

"Would it matter?"

And Kara realizes then just how far apart they've become.

"Of course, it would matter! You have people who care about you. People who care if you fly across the country and taunt murders in prison. "

Lena moves forward challenging Kara's words.

"Would you rather I wait for them to show up at my doorstep?"

"That's not" Kara runs a hand through her hair, frustrated at Lena's insistence on self-destruction. "you know that's not what I meant"

Lena takes another step. The tremor and pitch in her voice rising.

"No. I don't know anything apparently. Not about you. Not about what's been going on."

Kara doesn't miss the harsh angle of the words, the way they are meant to hurt — meant to push her away again.

"What do you want to hear Kara. What do you want me to say? You don't understand. What I saw, what I felt. I need to look him in the eye! I need to make sure!"

But she wants to, she wants to know so she can make it go away, so she can keep Lena here with her where she is safe.

"Make sure of what? You can tell me Lena. Whatever it is you can tell me."

But still, there is too much distance between them.

"You don't get to do that. You don't get to ask that of me."

Too many fears.

"Not when you…."

Too much in what is left unsaid.

* * *

*Ducks flying objects

I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. But this is all I had ready and I promised a quicker update. Lena's POV of their conversation is next.


	14. What Fears Mat Come (Part 7)

*slaps self on forehead* Why did I think I could write two reveals at the same time.

Trying to keep my thoughts separate between this and "Truths" is a bit of a challenge, but they will be different, I promise.

Here is Lena's POV of Kara showing up. I know it's kind of a repeat of the previous chapter, but I wanted to show Lena's POV to try and setup the resolution.

* * *

The knock at her door is unexpected, and the sound seems foreign at first, as if it is farther away than it should be, and for a second she stands still — unwitting of its purpose — until Kara's voice filters through her thoughts, and the feeling of relief that comes from that, from knowing Kara is safe, propels her into moving despite every other part of herself that is telling her to run.

She knows it's a mistake as soon as she opens the door. Because Kara is there, but with a kind of tired worry in her eyes and heaviness to her stance that suggests of a pain barley withheld and that makes Lena remember with instant clarity the fear of putting Kara in danger that is the reason for her nightmares.

Her relief at Kara's safety is quickly replaced with guilt, and she tries to her way back to her abandoned task. The need to escape paramount once more.

She hears Kara follow her, hears the need to protect her etching its way into her words.

"Where are you going?"

And a part of her wants to let her, a part of her wants to tell her everything, about the nightmares that come, about how they won't go away, about Lex's letter, about the voice inside her head that is telling her Kara will die one day because of her.

She wants to tell her everything, but she remembers the pain in Kara's eyes and resolves to be strong enough not to need her, to push her away when she wants so desperately to hold onto her. So, in a steady voice she continues the volley of lies between them.

"There is something in Metropolis I have to take care of."

But Kara follows, and she can't help the feeling that maybe this time their lies won't be enough to contain the turth.

"Lena, come on, just stop for a second."

"I can't Kara; I have a plane waiting."

It's then that Kara steps beside stopping the momentum that is the only things propelling her forward and it's the feeling of Kara's hand than undoes her, forcing her again into the nightmare she is trying so desperately to escape.

 _"Lena you don't have to do this."_

 _"She'll never stop. Don't you see that she'll never stop."_

 _"Then we'll stop her. Together. But not like this."_

And Lena hates that this is another thing she's lost, that she can now count the comfort of Kara's touch among the things stolen from her by her fears.

"I know he sent you a letter."

Lena turns, unprepared for the veiled understanding in Kara's eyes, but resolute.

"Then you know I have to go."

Kara tries again to stop her, to protect her.

"Not like this. I can't let you go like this."

Lena feels the paper in her hands give way as she tightens her grip to hide the tremors as her voice rises in displaced anger.

She needs Kara to understand.

"He sent her. He sent her here! It isn't just some coincidence that Psi picked National City to rob a bank. Lex sent her."

Because it's the echo of those words that she is really hiding from — I did this, I caused this, this is my fault … I'm the one that hurt you.

Kara's words hold a hidden anger of their own.

"It's not your job to figure that out. You're not the one who has to stop him. You can't just take off and just put yourself in danger like that. What if something happened to you?

"Would it matter?"

A hidden fear.

"Of course, it would matter! You have people who care about you. People who care if you fly across the country and taunt murders in prison. "

"Would you rather I wait for them to show up at my doorstep?"

A hidden truth.

"That's not… you know that's not what I meant"

And she does know. Kara wants to know why she won't let her in, why she didn't tell her the truth, why she won't let her protect her. She knows because she wants to know the same things.

"No. I don't know anything apparently. Not about you. Not about what's been going on."

She hears her voice rise and watches as Kara accepts her anger, maybe even expects it.

"What do you want to hear Kara. What do you want me to say? You don't understand. What I saw, what I felt. I need to look him in the eye! I need to make sure!"

Kara's voice is nervous, confused.

"Make sure of what? You can tell me, Lena. Whatever it is you can tell me."

The words are not what she meant to say, but she could not stop them.

"You don't get to do that. You don't get to ask that of me…"

And the instant they leave her she tries to reclaim them.

Not when you …."

She tries to let the silence erase what they claim, what they mean, what they will change.

And she thinks for a second it can.

She thinks for a second that they can go back to the comfort of lies.

To protecting each other.

That is the reason, isn't it?

The reason Kara can't tell her who she is.

The reason Lena can't tell her what she's really afraid of.

Because the way that Kara says her name, the way her hand reaches out for her, the way she aches to do the same, she knows they would rather die for each other than live for themselves.

Lena takes in a shaking breath.

"I think you should go….I need you to go."

* * *

Getting closer...I promise...there is softness coming.

Let me know what you think and as always, thanks so much for reading...all of your comments and such make it worth writing.


	15. What Fears May Come (Part 8)

Thanks so much for reading! There's some softness under this angst…I promise.

* * *

There was something unbearable about being so close to Lena in that moment, about the fragile stillness and pain of inexpressible truths between them as Kara waits for words that never come.

The silence itself becomes a kind of confession; an admission, an accusation, the acceptance of what is left unsaid but not unknown. And her heart aches with guilt and regret in equal measure as Lena's eyes fixed on hers, almost searchingly, as if looking for something to hold onto, some kind of proof that Kara is still who she has always been.

But even as Lena's name falls from her lips like a kind of promise, even as her hand reaches out to erase both her tears and her doubts, Kara is forced to realize that like so much else between them, these words of reassurance too will go unsaid; ushered out by the sound of Lena's broken voice.

"I think you should go."

Kara's hand stops, draws back a few inches, and she looks at Lena, her eyes so fiercely green and so full of grief and panic and longing.

"I need you to go."

Kara wants to protest. Wants to say no. But then Lena is taking her hand, letting Kara's fingers barely graze the skin of her cheek in some unutterable need as she guides it back to her side.

"Please"

And it's then, in that moment of desperate need, watching Lena's shoulders rising and falling with her stilted breaths, that Kara realizes just how fragile Lena is and how little it would take to break her.

So she does not say no.

She does not say anything at all.

And all that is left is to wait for Lena to let go.

When she does, it already feels like a mistake

Kara's gaze falls to the floor, and she turns toward the door, walking slowly away from where Lena remains even as the voice inside her head tells her to go back, go back, go back.

It is the echo of a lifetime of moments she wishes she could return to.

Go back, go back, go back.

And it makes her think of the last moment with her mother.

Because like an echo, it is this first moment that is the loudest, that will remain a part of each diminishing refrain no matter how long the gaps of silence or how faint the sound becomes.

What would she have done if she knew how much that moment would mean?

Would she have let go sooner?

Would she have held on longer?

Maybe she would have never gotten lost.

Maybe she would have died with her family instead.

She wonders if somewhere these versions of herself exist.

She wonders what they would tell her if they did.

But they are not her.

She will never know of things that exist only in dreams.

Kara closes her eyes and rests her hand against the frame of the door.

She thinks of that moment and this one.

She thinks of who she was then and who she is now —a scared little girl unaware of the consequence of time, a reluctant hero trying to protect the people she loves — how they are the same. How the part of her that held onto her mother as her world fell apart is the same part of herself that wants to hold onto Lena now to keep it together; unknowing of loss, only wanting of comfort and love.

And Kara thinks that maybe this is the gift of uncertainty, that it allows us to do the things our hearts ask of us without fear of what it will cost us.

Because if she knew what was going to happen that day if she had come to understand in all that time and all that darkness everything she still had left to lose, she would have chosen to never love anyone again. She would have not been brave enough.

And for that reason, she is thankful for the things she cannot know.

That she can choose to be broken rather than empty.

That she can choose love.

And with the sound of Lena's heartbeat in her ears and room enough again in her lungs to breathe, she does…she chooses to stay, she chooses to let herself be broken and be loved because the world is not meant to be endured alone.

Kara's voice is soft, the words barely reaching across the distance of the room even as she turns around.

"It was so quiet."

And she knows Lena can hear them.

"Krypton was exploding around me, but there was nothing but silence."

But she can only hope that she knows what they mean.

"The silence was the worst part."

What promise they contain.

"I relived my last moments there…I had to feel what it is was to lose them all again."

Kara closes her eyes and listens to the sounds of the world around them bleeding into Lena's apartment, reminding her she is not there, that she is not alone.

"I lost everyone I ever knew, everyone I ever loved all over again, but there is nothing I could do. And I always try to save them, but it is never enough, I am never enough. I lose them over and over again."

She pauses, needing to make sure Lena understands.

"It was never about not trusting you, it was never about not thinking you deserved to know. I couldn't stand the thought that you would become one more person I couldn't save."

The words fade into the quiet that follows them, and Kara searches Lena's eyes for the slightest sign of anything, anger, pain, forgiveness. But she seems so far away, maybe even farther than before, stuck inside herself with a memory she wished she could forget.

And Kara wants to hold her, wants to tell her that like her own nightmares it isn't real. But as she steps forward, Lena steps back.

"I watched you die."

Kara's chest tightens, unexpecting of both the sudden sound of Lena's voice and the words themselves.

"You died trying to save me. You died protecting me. You died with me holding the gun."

Her voice broke with a heavy sadness, but she did not stop.

"You died, and every time you did, I felt the same hate that drove Lex to madness. And I tried to forget it. I tried to forget the feeling of your blood on my hands and the hate that had felt so all-consuming. But I couldn't. That is why I need to see him. I need to look him in the eye and know that I am not him. I will not let myself be the reason I lose you."

Kara felt her eyes burning once more with unshed tears and the realization that both their hearts bore the same scars. And she knew then that what Lena needed from her was more than a confession because Kara had survived the darkness, but a part of Lena still remained there waiting to be saved.

Kara steps forward again, and this time Lena lets the distance between them close.

"You are not him Lena. You never could be."

And then she reaches for Lena's hand, her thumb circling gently over the spot on her wrist where her pulse beats underneath as the other rests against the curve of her jaw drawing them together.

"But If you need to see who you are, you don't have to look into his eyes. You can look into mine, and you can see how fiercely you are loved."

* * *

one more? An fluffy epilogue of sorts to close it out? I feel I owe it to you guys as a thank you for all the support, but let me know.


	16. What Fears May Come (Part 9)

Summary: Love, like fear, is an artifact of faith.

A/N: This is the longest thing I've ever posted and it took some getting lost along the way to finally find the end, but here it is.

* * *

 _"But If you need to see who you are, you don't have to look into his eyes. You can look into mine, and you can see how fiercely you are loved."_

* * *

Lena follows the want of Kara's words, seeing reflected back in her blue eyes a rush of memories. The images reaching across the decades of pain and loss to recede into her past and summon up that innocent girl she once was — who had felt whole, who had felt safe — and at that moment Lena is overcome with the need to feel these things again in Kara's arms even as her voice promises them aloud.

"I've got you."

And Lena closes her eyes and holds onto Kara like she is waiting for the heart beneath her fingers to go still again, like if she lets go, she will hear the door shut and she won't be there anymore. But Kara is still there. Her heart is still beating, and Lena lets herself feel the safety and warmth of the world as it exists at that moment with Kara finally close to her again. Because they have both suffered so much and she needed to believe that they didn't have to anymore, that they could have this moment and all the others after it too.

"Don't let go."

Her fingers find the front of Kara's shirt, twisting the material, wrapping herself in Kara completely when her gentle voice whispers in Lena's ear reminding her of a sound long forgotten, of the last song her mother sang to her, reminding her of home.

"I'm here."

She looks into Kara's eyes again, so fount of hope and promise, and she realizes that she has never so desperately wanted to let herself be loved. But god, if only she could find the words, If only she could tell Kara that holding her like this was sweet and gentle in the way she always thought it would be. If only she could tell Kara, she loved her because there had already been enough silence between them.

But loving Kara is another secret she has kept. And like all the others, the fear of loving someone so wholly had already been there, been there for so long, that the thought of it now, and the slow pain with which it filled her heart, was too familiar to simply forget. It would take time and patience and care, and all the things Lena knew Kara could give her. But for now, it was enough to admit that she needed her. And there was an honesty to needing Kara that was different than the honesty of words because long before she will be able to tell Kara, she loves her, she will be able to show her that she needs her.

* * *

"Don't let go."

Kara lets Lena's arms guide her so that their bodies are pulled close together, her head resting against the hollow of Lena's shoulder. And with Lena in her arms, Kara feels for the first time what it is not to keep a part of herself hidden. To let herself be vulnerable in a way she cannot be with anyone else. And she feels so exposed that it feels so much like panic, but the sound of Lena's heart and the gentle motion of her breathing calms her and reminds her she is safe, and loved, and whole.

"I'm here."

Kara feels Lena's weight shift against her as warm tears hit her skin, but neither of them let go, and eventually Lena's quiet voice finds its way to her, whispering "I need you" with such simple truth that all the things she had hidden behind, and all the reasons she told herself they could never love each other, shattered on the ground with the weight of something finally let go. And Kara is not sure she has ever believed in any other words as much or that she ever will, and she wants Lena to understand she knows how much they mean and how much courage they took, so she says them back.

"I need you too."

And the words are no less true and mean just as much, because Kara has loved many people in her life, but there are few she could not live without and even fewer, that if they were gone, would be irreplaceable.

* * *

Eventually, they pull apart, but they do not let go, their hands held together as they make there way down the hall to Lena's room in the silent understanding that neither of them wants to be alone tonight.

Kara stands back as Lena puts away the abandoned suitcase and clothes, a distant look in her eyes as she tries not to think about what could have happened if she had been too late. Lena gives a gentle pull on Kara's hand moving them toward each other once again. Kara looks at her, unsure for a moment, but then tentatively reaches up to remove her glasses. Lena watches as Kara pulls them away, folding them carefully as her fingers smooth over the surface of the lens as if unsure of them. Lena gently takes them from her, her hand stilling on Kara's just long enough to reassure her before setting them on the nightstand. The simple gesture feeling like an acceptance of the truth they both now share.

Lena walks over to her dresser then, stepping out of her pants and easing the blouse over her head replacing it with a worn cotton sweatshirt, the hem of it reaching just above her knees and its sleeves just a bit too long.

When she turns back around Kara is already sitting on the bed, her clothes removed and folded neatly leaving her in a white tank top and grey boy shorts. Lena moves over to the bed, pulling the covers back as they both settle under them. She lies on her back and feels Kara's hands settle around her waist as her head rests on Lena's chest and she places a gentle kiss over her heart. Lena's own hands linger for a moment, unsure of their place, but soon they find their way around Kara's shoulders as her lips pressing subtly against her forehead in return.

The whole moment feels fragile, as if it is made of glass, vulnerable to breaking at the slightest pressure. And the fear still exists. That Kara cannot save her, that Lena cannot protect her, that by loving each other they will always be risking losing each other. But if there is a more beautiful tragedy in the world than this, they do not know it.

* * *

I cannot even begin to thank you all enough for all the support you have given me and this work. It means so much to hear from you guys!


	17. Less Than a Second 3x12

A/N: An extension of the thoughts and events during "For Good". Admissions are made and realizations are had.

First Chapter is Kara's POV

* * *

It doesn't seem like much.

It doesn't seem like it should matter.

Less than a second — that's all it takes.

But what if that was just long enough, what if a second was all it took.

For a heart to stop.

For a person to break.

One second too many, one second too slow.

What if that's all it took.

* * *

Kara turns around as the coffee cup clatters to the ground.

She watches as Lena falls.

Watches the strangled effort it takes her breathe.

Hears her heart race as her lungs constrict.

Less than a second — that's all it takes — but it's still more than she's willing to risk.

The wind rushes past them, and Kara flies as fast as she can, holds onto Lena as hard as she dares.

Her voice calls out frantic over her comms until her sister answers back.

"Alex! Alex! Please. Alex!"

"I'm here. Hey, hey. I'm here."

"She's — her hearts beating too fast Alex. It's too fast, and she can't breathe."

Confused, Alex tries to get her to calm down. "Slow down, where are you?"

But half-answers are all she gives. "I'm on my way there. Alex, I'm sorry, I had to,  
I'm sorry."

Her sister tries again, needing more than Kara's panicked pleas. "You have to calm down. You have to tell me what's happening."

"Lena. He tried to kill her. You have to help her Alex."

"Okay, okay. I've got a team coming okay. Just get her here."

Kara's hands tighten their grip, and she pushes harder.

Just a few more seconds.

But what if it's not enough.

It has to be enough.

Just a few more seconds.

* * *

Not daring to slow down any more than needed, Alex braces her as she stumbles through the glass doors.

"What happened?"

Her words force themselves through quickened breathes as Lena is taken from her arms.

"Edge tried to poison her, it, it was in her coffee."

Her hands now useless, Kara wraps them tightly around herself as Alex steps forward trying to make sense of the chaos.

There's nothing she can do to help.

There's nothing she can do but watch.

Everything seems to happen all at once. Lena's blouse and jacket are cut open while electrodes are placed on her chest and needles pushed into her arm as her body jerks off the gurney and Alex's voice calls out in alarm.

"Shit, she's seizing. Two-hundred milligrams phenobarbital, stat. Two liters of saline, run it open. I want a radial artery line and two red tops…Come on Lena, calm down, calm down"

The monitors and alarms echo Kara's own panic.

She tries to filter out the noises of the machines, tries to block out the people and voices that fade in and out around her.

"Blood pressure 70 over palp. Pulse is erratic and falling fast."

She listens for Lena's heartbeat, needs to hear it for herself, but when she does it only scares her more.

Because Lena's heart is no longer racing — no longer fighting — it's fading, slowing, stopping.

She knows they are running out of time.

She knows that Lena is dying in front of her.

And when Alex turns to her Kara can see that she knows it too.

"Kara I need to know what poison he used."

Her voice wavers with its helplessness. "I-I-I don't — I don't know."

Her hands tremble powerless.

Alex hesitates only a second, her mind racing through itself "Mustard gas, cyanide, strychnine" — she leans in toward Lena, smelling her breath —"Almonds. Cyanide. Push fifty mils of sodium thiosulfate."

Alex presses the stethoscope to Lena's chest as it strains for oxygen.

"How long has it been?"

Kara answers, but can't look away as the numbers on the monitor one by one turn red.

"Ah, A-About two, three minutes."

Alex's voice holds steady.

"We need time but her body's already shutting down. If we can slow her circulation, induce hypothermia, we can protect her brain and heart while the medicine counteracts the poison"

Kara slows her own breathing and focuses. Finally, there is something she can do to help.

"I can do it. Let me do it."

Alex looks at her and nods her head as the medical team halts their movements.

Kara lets out a slow, steady breath, the cold air floating over Lena until her sister's touch tells her it's enough.

But what if it's not enough.

It has to be enough.

With a whispered prayer, she waits.

"Come on, come on, come on, come on Lena"

Second after second recedes.

Then as suddenly as it threatened to stop, the steady echo of Lena's heartbeat fills the room again and the violent tremors cease.

Kara can hear the relief in her sister's voice. "Normal sinus rhythm."

She draws a shaking hand to her chest. Feels her own heart racing underneath.

She watches the steady rise and fall of Lena's chest, counts each second in-between from one breath to the next.

Somehow it was enough.

* * *

Sometimes Kara lets herself hide inside the world around her. She Lets her eyes wander into the distance until she can't see what's in front of her. She lets every sound come together until she can't hear her own thoughts.

But tonight, there is nowhere to hide. Looking out into the city, Kara can see nothing but the pain around her. Hear nothing but the doubts inside her.

The sound of J'onns heavy footsteps draws her away from her silent penance as he comes up beside her.

"You did a brave thing back there, risking your identity to save her."

Kara nods. Tells him the truth, or at least part of it.

"I had to. I don't know who I would be if I hadn't"

J'onn pauses a moment, weighing her answer, choosing his words.

"Alex says Lena will wake up soon."

She nods again.

"When she does, I think it's time you told her the truth."

Kara looks up at this, eyes questioning and disbelieving at the chance he is giving her.

"This world is a crazy place right now Kara. People are acting, reacting, escalating behaviors. Your job is to protect the people of Earth and be there for the people you love. If anything, today proves how much that's true."

Kara hesitates, after everything still unsure.

"Do you think she'll hate me?"

J'onn smiles. "I know she won't, but I also know that's not really what you're afraid of."

She's afraid she isn't enough.

Kara wrings her hands together in front of her as the seconds pass between them. When she speaks again, her voice reflects the pain of truths she is so desperate to hide.

"I can't fail. I can't lose anyone else. The Worldkillers are out, planning, and I'm just waiting for them to make their next move."

J'onn counters her distrust in herself.

"The Worldkillers will come, and when they do, you'll be ready, we'll be ready"

Kara lets herself push back.

"Alex got hurt. Leslie was killed. Lena almost died. Those things happened because of me. I let Reign beat me, I couldn't stop Edge. What if it isn't enough, what if I'm not enough."

J'onn moves his hands to Kara's shoulders as she tries to hold back the tears in her eyes.

"You can't save everyone Kara, but Alex is still here, Lena is still here, and we're all with you. You can't let yourself push people away out of fear of what might happen. You have to let yourself love them. Let yourself fight for them. Let yourself be the person they believe in. If you don't, if you let them take that away then they win. It won't matter how many bullets you catch."

* * *

Kara can hear the subtle change in Lena's heartbeat, the slight hitch in her breathing right before her eyes open.

"Uh…What happened?"

A look of confusion passes over Lena's face, and her hand comes up to her head as she tries to sit up.

Kara gently eases Lena back against the pillows. "Hey, take it easy, you're okay."

Lena nods her head wearily, the ghost of a smile on her lips.

"I had the strangest dream. We were flying, and you were carrying me."

Kara laughs nervously.

"I think they gave you the fun drugs."

Lena looks at her; eyes half closed as she tries to adjust to the pain in her head and the stiffness in her limbs.

"Why do I feel like I've been hit by a Truck"

Kara pauses, taking in a measured breath as she reaches out to take Lena's hand.

"You were poisoned."

Kara sees the question in her eyes; the mixture of pain and fear and anger, and tries to reassure her.

"You're okay; you're going to be fine. I brought you here, and they were able to stop it."

Lena nods her head and turns toward her, a subtle flash of recognition in her eyes and hope in her voice.

"It wasn't a dream, was it?"

Lena pauses.

"You were carrying me."

And this time it's not a question.

Kara lets go of Lena's hand and stares at the floor.

"No. No it wasn't a dream"

Lena doesn't say anything. Kara doesn't look up. The seconds stretch until Kara thinks the silence may never break.

But then it does in clear realization.

"You were carrying me."

Kara finally allows herself to look up at Lena and is met not with hate or anger, but confusion.

"I'm sorry. I know it's a lot, and I know it might not be enough, but I'm sorry I lied for so long"

Lena shakes her head slightly as she rolls the cuff of Kara's sweater in between her fingers.

"No. I mean you were carrying me. Not as, not as Supergirl, as Kara."

The confusion now is all her own as Kara searches Lena's eyes for answers.

"How did, how did you know."

Lena answers with a small smirk.

"I told you, you're terrible at hiding things from me."

Her chest heaves with relief. Lena knew. Lena knew, and she was still there.

Kara thinks of what to say next, of the answers she owes her.

She feels the gentle squeeze of Lena's hand, the concern in her voice drawing them back together. But Lena doesn't ask for reasons.

"what if someone had seen you?"

And Kara has to do this, needs Lena to understand she is more important than any one part of her, that she deserves all of her.

"There wasn't any time. I couldn't waste any time, you were..." Her voice trails off, unwilling even now to admit how close it had been.

Lena's hand rests on Kara's cheek, her thumb wiping at the tears now staining her cheeks as she echoes back the words she spoke that night on her couch.

"Well Supergirl may have saved me, but Kara Danvers, you are my hero."

* * *

Less than a second — that's all it takes for Kara Danvers to become Supergirl.

But what if that was long enough, what if a second was all it took.

To lose someone.

To regret something.

What if that's all it took.

Because a second doesn't seem like much until it's all you have left.

* * *

Yes? No? Good? Bad? ... Let me know in that little box underneath... and always, thanks for reading!


	18. Less Than a Second (Part 2)

A/N: Alex's POV

As with all my stories, it's just me and I often write when I can't sleep, so I apologize in advance for the grammar mistakes.

* * *

There are times when Alex looks at Kara and she sees who she used to be.

Nights when she searches the stars for a memory of home.

Days when she closes her eyes and imagines the sky a brilliant red.

Moments that reminder her that before she was anyone else, Kara was the last daughter of lost world.

Helpless.

Scared.

Alone.

Watching Kara now, Alex remembers that a part of her will always be these things.

It is the part of her that fights for those she loves.

That is reckless and imperfect.

That fears the weight of her own heart.

Alex looks beyond Kara to the city below and she thinks about the last time they stood on this balcony together.

About all the times she has given something of herself to protect people she will never meet and a home that will never truly be hers.

She thinks about all is has cost her.

The memories of her family, the comfort of her faith, even the openness of her heart.

But standing here with her now, telling her that Lena will be okay, she can't help but think how Kara had refused to let it take something else from her today.

* * *

Alex knows right away that something is wrong. She can't remember the last time her sister's voice was so full of panic and fear.

"Alex! Alex! Please. Alex!"

So she's already moving, running from her lab to the command room, her response automatic as she tries to calm her sister.

"I'm here. Hey, hey. I'm here."

And Kara's words are broken and muffled by wind she knows is passing by at inhuman speeds, but what she manages to hear only hastens her actions further.

"She's — her hearts beating too fast Alex. It's too fast, and she can't breathe."

Alex looks around the room, motioning to a startled Winn to pull up Kara's location and put her on speaker.

"Slow down, where are you?"

"I'm on my way there. Alex, I'm sorry, I had to, I'm sorry."

Alex knows that Kara is scared but she needs her to calm down, she needs to know how to help.

"You have to calm down. You have to tell me what's happening."

A second passes before Kara's voice finally comes back over the speakers.

"Lena. He tried to kill her. You have to help her Alex."

Alex ignores the way her chest tightens and forces herself to be calm, because god knows Kara isn't.

"Okay, okay. I've got a team coming okay. Just get her here."

The comms go silent again and Alex gives herself one second.

One second to breathe.

One second to think.

Then she's reaching past Winn to jam her hand against the intercom.

"This is Agent Danvers. I need med unit 1 to Area A with a crash cart, monitors, and an emergency kit now!."

Running her hand through her hair and letting out a steadying breath she turns to a still confused looking Winn.

"Make sure there's a med room ready downstairs okay? I don't know…I don't know what we're going to need."

Winn nods, pushing himself away from the desk, nearly stumbling as he makes it to his feet. He pauses, looks at her, words starting but failing to make their way out as they're cut off by the sound of rushing agents and medical equipment being pushed into the room.

Alex looks between him and the agents and he just nods, the words of comfort, or fear, or doubt he had wanted to say lost in the chaos.

Around her the command room is turned into a triage unit and she watches as Kara's tracker moves across the screen.

It's only been less than a minute since they cut off of comms, but she knows how long that can be; what that kind of time can mean.

Alex paces back and forth in front of the balcony doors.

She hates waiting.

Hates not knowing what to expect.

Hates these things especially when the people she cares about are in danger.

The sound of Kara's voice plays over and over in her head as she grips her hands into fists at her side to stop them from shaking

She closes her eyes for just a second.

Just a second until the anxious silence gives way and Kara comes crashing into room, Lena held tightly in her arms.

Alex catches her sister's stumbling form, feels the way her body is trembling with adrenaline and fear as her arms reluctantly let go and Lena is taken from her and placed on the gurney.

"What happened?"

The words stumble out over sister's quickened breathes.

"Edge tried to poison her, it, it was in her coffee."

Lena's body jerks off the table.

"Shit, she's seizing. Two-hundred milligrams phenobarbital, stat. Two liters of saline, run it open. I want a radial artery line and two red top.

Straining to hear over the erratic sound of monitors she listens to sound of Lena's heartbeat slowing and to the breathes that rattle in her lungs.

Alex leans closer, whispering words that feel as much a command to the herself as the woman in front of her.

"Come on Lena, calm down, calm down"

Readings and orders get shouted and repeated back to her.

"Blood pressure 70 over palp. Pulse is erratic and falling fast."

But Alex doesn't need numbers to know what's happening, to know that they are running out of time.

She turns to her sister, hopeful for anything that will help.

"Kara I need to know what poison he used."

But Kara sounds as helpless as she feels.

"I-I-I don't — I don't know."

Her mind screams at itself.

Think. Come on. You have to Think.

"Mustard gas, cyanide, strychnine"

The answer is here, it has to be.

She leans in toward Lena, smelling her breath.

Almonds. It smells like Almonds, and she thinks it to herself, making sure she's right before saying it out loud.

"Almonds…Cyanide."

But finding the answer isn't a solution and the numbers in front of her are still falling too fast.

"Push fifty mils of sodium thiosulfate."

Alex presses the stethoscope again to Lena's chest hoping the monitors are wrong, but they're not.

She forces herself to focus.

"How long has it been?"

Her sister's voice hesitates, but answers.

"Ah, A-About two, three minutes."

Shit. It isn't enough. It isn't going to be enough.

Desperate now she looks up at Kara.

"We need time but her body's already shutting down. If we can slow her circulation, induce hypothermia, we can protect her brain and heart while the medicine counteracts the poison"

"I can do it. Let me do it."

Alex motions for the team to stand back and for first time since this all started Alex sees something other than fear in her sister's eyes, she sees resolve.

Kara lets out a slow, steady breath, the cold air floating over Lena, and Alex watches as the temperature starts to drop.

She rests a hand on her sister's shoulder.

"That's enough"

And she hopes she's right.

Seconds pass and Kara's desperate refrain becomes a part with her own silent pleas

"Come on, come on, come on, come on Lena"

Then, after minutes of feeling nothing but doubt, there comes flickering hope.

The image of Lena's steady heartbeat plays on the sreen.

"Normal sinus rhythm"

And she remembers what It feels like to breathe.

* * *

Alex has a memory of Kara huddled on the roof of their home, the remnants of tears of her face. She remembers the sound of her own voice only minutes before blaming her for what happened. Her father was gone, he wasn't coming back, and Alex had hated Kara for that, hated that she was there and he wasn't.

But when she thinks of that memory now, it isn't the hatred or grief that she remembers, it's the care with which Kara had held her glasses in her hand like they were the most fragile thing that ever existed, like if they broke then a part of her would too.

She looks at Kara and how she holds Lena's hand the same way now.

She thinks how she has always had to do this.

That Kara has allowed herself to love carefully, but never completely.

That she is afraid to let go of the things she has for fear she will lose them forever.

How even though she wants to hold onto them with all the strength she has, she can't. That if she does they might break.

Alex thinks about what it means for her to have to choose between these two different types of loss.

She hopes that one day maybe she won't need to.

Leaning against the doorway, Alex knows that Kara can hear her there, hear the way her heartbeat is still a little too fast, and so she isn't surprised at the sound of her sister's voice even though she never looks up.

"Do you think it's the right thing to do? To tell her?"

Alex pushes herself off the door frame and steps into the room.

"I do. For all the reasons you already know, for all the reasons J'onn told you, and for one more."

Kara looks at her, hopeful.

"What?"

Alex moves next to her, wrapping an arm around her shoulders.

"You both deserve it"

Kara leans into her and Alex places a kiss against her temple.

"I love you, and I'm proud of you, but don't think what you did today doesn't scare the shit of me and don't think I won't tell Eliza if you ever do it again."

Kara laughs quietly.

"She'd probably just blame you"

Alex smiles back

"Yeah, you're probably right, but still."

A second passes between them and Kara looks down at where her hand in Lena's. Her voice quit, reserved once more.

"I didn't even think. It would have only been a second but."

Alex tightens her hold on her sister.

"But what if?"

Kara nods and lets her head rest on Alex's shoulder.

"yeah, what if"

And the words are so simple that the moment feels wanting of more, but Alex knows the true weight that they carry, the burden they hide.

What if I'm not fast enough.

What if I'm not strong enough.

What if I'm not enough.

Because this world has cost her so much but it keeps asking for more.

And even though she can't give her back what she's lost, she can do this, she can tell her that she deserves more — that she doesn't have to choose.

Then together they can rid her memories of dust and together they can pick up the debris of her past.

* * *

Thanks for reading!

Thoughts? Feeling? Comments?


	19. Less Than a Second (Part 3)

Lena's POV

Sometimes you get the words just right, sometimes they all sound wrong. Hopefully this wound up somewhere closer to the first, but after a while it gets hard to tell and I can never be sure until someone else reads it. So please let me know what you think.

Thanks as always for reading!

* * *

Lena knows how fragile life can be, how quickly it can change, and how suddenly it can end.

Her body bears the scars of it and her nightmares the truth of it.

On the nights she doesn't sleep, sometimes it's all she thinks about.

The echo of bullets.

The weightlessness of falling.

The cost of choices made and chances never taken.

Of death and reason.

Of all the broken places where hope and loss collide.

* * *

It happens in an instant — in a second — but it all feels endless somehow.

She watches the cup slip from her hand but never feels herself fall.

And at first it feels like she's watching someone else.

But then her eyes open to the sky and its vacant distant blue is all she sees — the sound of her own desperate gasps all she hears.

She can feel her chest as it rises and falls but the air feels heavy, and thick, and lacking.

Her lungs burn with the need for oxygen.

Her body heaves in revolt.

Each breath she can manage has to force its way in past the words that try to fight their way out.

The world is muted and dark at its edges as blue fades to black.

Somewhere in her mind she thinks that this must be what drowning feels like.

Everything around her feels just out of reach.

Each sensation like a ghost of something else.

She feels the weight of arms around her, feels herself wrapped in warmth amidst a violent wind.

And It all seems so surreal, like a dream within a nightmare.

Because she has felt these things before.

Felt them when they were her only hope.

But in the fleeting seconds that black gives way to blue again she sees not the hero she expects, but Kara.

So her mind struggles to hold on even as her body starts to let go. Her thoughts willing themselves to the steadiness of Kara's heartbeat and to the comfort of her arms.

And there is a different kind of hope that fills her then.

Because this has to be a dream.

Because even if it isn't, then this pain, this fear, won't have to be the last thing she feels.

* * *

From the faded memory of broken images and dissonant sounds there is a feeling of coming back to herself, of returning to something and somewhere.

Her eyes open to a place she doesn't recognize, but there is a soft light and gentle warmth that speaks of something known and somewhere safe.

"Uh…what happened?"

In a haze of confusion, she tries to sit up only to collapse again, the pain and stiffness making themselves known with the sudden movement.

"Hey, take it easy, you're okay."

Lena relaxes at the sound of Kara's voice, at the feeling of familiar hands that ease her back against the bed as her mind struggles to make sense of its clouded, scattered thoughts.

Everything around her is white.

White walls, white sheets, white floors.

Everything expect for Kara's eyes.

And in an instant the blue brings her back to the blue of the sky, and a single memory stands apart from the others.

"I had the strangest dream. We were flying, and you were carrying me."

A fleeting smile makes its way across Kara's tired and weary face.

"I think they gave you the fun drugs."

The vague beep of monitors reaches their way passed her muffled hearing.

She tries to move again.

Tries to remember.

"Why do I feel like I've been hit by a Truck."

Lena sees Kara pause, watches her hand as it stills on her own, and both the feeling and the hesitation steadies her attention.

"You, you were poisoned."

She feels her chest tightens at the words — a reflex of a memory — and a deep breath fills her lungs as if her body needs to make sure it still can.

"You're okay; you're going to be fine. I brought you here, and they were able to stop it."

The pressure against her hand grounds her again to the present — to Kara's words.

 _'I brought you here.'_

And suddenly Lena realizes it wasn't ever a dream at all.

She waits for Kara to take back what she's said, to hide it away.

But she never does.

And maybe it's because she doesn't notice the words she's used or the admission that they speak of.

Maybe she's too tired to care.

But a part of Lena hopes it's something else.

That maybe Kara had meant everything she said.

That maybe her words were not mistaken.

And so, with that hope she tempts the truth of them.

"It wasn't a dream, was it?

Kara looks up fleetingly from where their hands meet and even in that brief moment, Lena knows for certain then that Kara understands what she's said even if she hasn't accepted everything it means.

"You were carrying me."

She watches as Kara looks away, finally gives into the truth she has never shared but that Lena had known nonetheless.

"No. No, it wasn't a dream."

Lena close her eyes and feels herself again in Kara's arms.

Kara's arms.

Kara, not Supergirl.

She says the words again to make sure.

Something between relief and disbelief in her voice.

"You were carrying me."

And for a second they only look at each other.

Unsure.

Unhidden.

Until Kara's whispered apology makes use of the silence

"I'm sorry. I know it's a lot, and I know it might not be enough, but I'm sorry I lied for so long."

Lena shakes he head and rolls the cuff of Kara's sweater in between her fingers.

"No. I mean you were carrying me. Not as, not as Supergirl, as Kara."

Kara's fear is replaced by confusion and blue eyes search green in a moment that begs for answers.

"How did, how did you know?"

Lena tries to smile, to ease the weight of both of their confessions.

"I told you, you're terrible at hiding things from me."

Kara draws a shaking breath that gets caught somewhere between a sob and a laugh but sounds only of relief.

And Lena knows they will talk about everything this means, that they will spend time with each other's reasons and questions, but there is a something in that moment that she has to ask.

Because Kara had risked everything.

The people she has sworn to protect.

The city she has fought to save.

Herself.

Her family.

And she doesn't know why.

"what if someone had seen you?"

Kara's answer comes without hesitation but ends with a waiver of fear and uncertainty

"There wasn't any time. I couldn't waste any time, you were..."

And in everything that's left unsaid she finds the reason.

Because I promised to be there.

Because I promised to protect you.

Because I could've lost you.

Lena's lets her hand rests on Kara's cheek, her thumb wiping at the tears now staining her cheeks.

"Well Supergirl may have saved me, but Kara Danvers, you are my hero."

* * *

So there it is. Good? Bad? Let me know. Comments are always appreciated.


	20. Of Nightmares and Memories 4x03

First entry into the Redux series for season 4. I was going to add this to my "How Living Feels" One-shots, and still may, but I figured I start it as a stand-alone in case you guys want a follow-up.

* * *

Kara never thought she would pray for a nightmare.

She never thought she would choose to live in their haunted visage.

But her nightmares had always ended.

She had always survived them.

But from this there seemed to be no waking; no end to be found in the daylight.

There was only pain and darkness too real to be forgotten.

Her heart hammered against the heaviness in her chest as she took in another unforgiving breath. The air was stale and dense as it rattled in her lungs.

She didn't want to open her eyes.

She already knew what she would find. Already feared it.

It had always been the same and it was the same again now.

She started to think that maybe her memories of being Kara Danvers weren't real. That maybe she was still there, that she never made it out of that pitch-black space.

Maybe it was all a lie. Maybe believing it had been the only thing that allowed her to survive.

But then the pain starts to fade, and the world she remembers begins to feel more real again.

She tries to find comfort in it, but still there is darkness; still there is the heaviness in her chest; still each breath feels too short, too lacking.

She tries to lift her arm, tries to pry the weight from her chest but something holds it back. She struggles against it, tries again, tries harder, but the weight only gets heavier and eventually there is nothing to do but give in to it. Nothing to do but pray again for it all to be a nightmare she could wake up from.

* * *

When she opens her eyes again, the darkness has shifted. Light filters through at the edges of her vision and she thinks she hears her sister's voice.

Let's herself believe for a moment that her memories were not a lie after all.

But when she tries to listen for her heartbeat, searches for its comfort, she cannot find it, and she is left to think again that it is only a figment of her pain.

Eventually, the sounds fade altogether again into silence as her body starts to feel too tired, her mind too weak. But she doesn't want to close her eyes.

That had always been the worst part.

Because even though she couldn't count the seconds that passed — couldn't tell them apart from the years — her mind was trapped in its awareness, in its pain, in the knowledge that her world was gone; that she was alone.

* * *

This time she wakes to the feeling of something gripping her hand. She can feel the pressure that surrounds it, but it's only the ghost of something familiar. Still, she tries to return it. Wills her brain to make her fingers move. But when she does all she can feel is cold metal.

She wants to yell, wants to scream, but the only thing she manages are the quiet tears she cannot even wipe away.

Something shifts above her, the growing light masked briefly by its shadow. She tries to calm herself, tries to listen to the muffled words that enter her awareness.

"Kara."

And she starts to cry in earnest this time, choking back a broken sob when she hears her sister's voice say her name because this time it sounds too real to be imagined.

"Kara. I need you to breathe. I need you to try and take deep breaths. We are right here. We are here with you."

She hears then the other sounds around her — other voices, a harsh beeping, the shuffle of footsteps. And she tries; she does, and it is harder than it should be, but she manages it.

"Good Kara. Alright. That's it."

She tries to move, tries to look around her, but the only thing that she seems able to move is her hand. It's then that the feeling from before returns, and she realizes now that someone is holding her hand. But still, it feels wrong, like they are too far; like they are not really touching her at all.

"I'm going to turn off the emergency support, and then you'll be able to see us."

Kara's heart stutters at the sound of Lena's voice but before she can think of what it means that she is here, a mechanical sound echoes around her and she shuts her eyes against the piercing sound, blinking them open again only when the ringing in her ears starts to fade.

The memory of the harsh light behind her eyelids is familiar too. So much like that first time her pod opened. But this time there is no rush of fresh air into her lungs, no reprieve from her confinement. This time she is still trapped. She can feel the panic start to return, watches her breath as it fogs up the glass in front of her.

But then Alex and Lena are there. They are real. But still, she can't reach them, touch them, feel them there next to her.

Everything feels numb.

And Kara wonders if she was wrong to pray for a nightmare if this was it.

She closes her fingers around the hand in hers again, desperate for some kind of feeling, some kind of proof.

She tries to talk

"I-I-"

But a harsh cough stops her.

She tries again.

"I-I ca-an't fe-el y-you."

Her voice sounds foreign and broken.

"I-I ca-an't feel any-anything."

The beeping gets louder again, and she wants to cover her ears, wants it to stop, but she can't, and it only makes everything worse.

"It's too loud. Alex, it's too loud."

She hears the desperation in her own words, sees it mirrored in her sister's eyes.

From the corner of her vision she sees Lena reach for something and then suddenly the sound is gone but everything is still too close, she still feels too numb. Her hands finally find their strength and they grip around her head as she tries to pry the glass away from her face. She needs to breathe. She just needs to breathe, and she needs to feel something, anything real.

"Kara you have to stop! Kara!"

She sees Alex grab her arms, pulling them away from her face, but she can't feel her hands, doesn't understand why she still can't feel her sister's hands.

"Kara!"

The sound of Lena's voice stops her as she holds onto either side of Kara's head forcing her to focus on her. Only her. Not the sounds. Not the pain. Not the fear. Just her.

And maybe it's the way she says her name — her name, not Supergirl's —maybe it's the tears that fall from her eyes, but she does.

"I'm sorry. I, we didn't have a choice. You were dying Kara. I had to. I'm sorry."

Somewhere in her mind, she tries to make sense of the words. She tries to understand Lena's guilt. She looks between her and Alex, her eyes searching for the answers she can't find.

"They altered the lead dispersal device. The whole atmosphere was contaminated."

And Alex doesn't have to say the rest, because Kara feels the memory of the pain then, the way her lungs had burned with every breath, the sharp pain in her heart with every beat. Knows that it had been real after all.

"We had to put you in a radiation-controlled suit that Lena had designed. It's the only way right now to make sure you aren't exposed."

She sees the pain in her sister's eyes, knows now that she had to watch her almost die again. Imagines that seeing her like this isn't any easier

Kara closes her eyes and for the first time really feels what surrounds her. She opens and closes her hands, feels the cold metal again under her fingertips, recognizes the same feeling everywhere else the suit touches her. She tries to let herself get used to the feeling, tries to be okay with it. But she just wants to hold Alex's hand, just wants to wrap her arms around Lena — just wants to feel safe and warm and whole again.

"How long?"

Her voice is quiet. Like she is afraid of what the answer could be.

It's Lena that answers her, the words laced with sadness, and guilt, and a hidden anger.

"I don't know."

And it's then that she feels like she might finally break under the weight she feels. But she knows Lena won't give up. That she and Alex and Brainy won't give up. So she doesn't allow herself to give up either.

Instead she tries to remember what it used to be like. What it was to not know how the world around her felt. What it was to not know someone else's touch. Because it had taken years for her to learn. To not be afraid of how fragile everything was, how capable of hurting someone she could be. She tries to remember what it was to wake up in her pod, to long for her mother's arms around her; to know the comfort of them only as a memory and then to have to feel as that too eventually faded away.

She tries to remember how she survived it.

Tries to imagine what it will take to survive it again.

* * *

A/N: I am okay leaving this as a one-shot, but if you guys would want a follow-up scene from Lena or Alex's perspective please let me know and I will make it happen.

As always comments are welcome and appreciated and thanks for reading.


	21. Of Nightmares and Memories (part 2)

Thanks to everyone who read the first chapter and left comments. I know it was a bit heavy, so thanks for giving it a chance.

* * *

Lena stepped inside slowly, her eyes having to adjust to the artificial glow of the lamps still holding vigil over Kara. She looked around at the surprising emptiness of the room which hours ago had seemed so chaotic. Two tables were pushed together on one side, loose sheets of paper and broken pencils scattered across the surface next to blank screens, their purpose having long since been abandoned. In the center of the room she saw Alex, arms crossed, fingers rubbing small circles over the fabric of her uniform as she stood next to Kara's bed. She looked younger than she had ever seemed to Lena. But more than that she looked like someone who didn't know who they were or what to do; she looked lost. Lena hesitated just inside the doorway. She didn't know if Alex would want her there. Because she had thanked her before, asked for her help, told her how much it meant in a way that Lena thought maybe she knew, but still, this seemed like a moment that wasn't meant to be seen.

She was so lost in her thoughts that she hadn't heard Alex call her name, hadn't realized she was talking to her.

"Sorry." Lena's voice was quiet even in the emptiness of the space.

"It-it's okay. Did you find something?" And Lena hates the hint of hopefulness in Alex's voice because she knows she has none to offer.

"No. I just – I wanted to check on her again. Make sure the suit was functioning correctly."

It wasn't a lie. But not the truth either.

Alex nodded, and Lena stepped closer, watching as she reached out toward her sister, her slightly shaking hand running along the edges of the metallic crest on Kara's chest; fingers tracing the unfamiliar material as if desperate to recognize something of comfort in it.

And she wishes there was some other kind of comfort that she could offer her. But, she wasn't good at this. She wasn't good at saying something. She was the person who broke down in silence. She was the one who pushed everything so far down inside herself that it had no choice but to be hidden. She wasn't good at this. She wasn't who Alex needed. Alex needed her sister. And the truth was Lena needed her too.

She took a deep breath and stood quietly next to her instead, willing her presence to be enough, to prove what words could not; you are not alone — Kara is not alone.

"She is going to be so scared. She —" Alex hesitated. "When she wakes up, she's going to be scared."

And it's then Lena starts to understand Alex's helplessness as something more. Because she knows the stories of Supergirl's past, knows them from Lex's journals and little pieces of it Kara lets slip, but she isn't sure she ever understood them until now. Because when she looks down and thinks of Kara, Kara not Supergirl, she thinks of how she always insists on taking the stairs, how they always walk to lunch. She thinks of them standing on her balcony, of the way she sleeps with the windows open.

She glances at Alex, who just looked back hopelessly.

"I don't want her to have to be scared."

And Lena tries to think of what she can say, what words there are to assure her that even if Kara is scared, she won't be alone. That if Alex can't be there, then she will. And the words are hard to find because she isn't supposed to care that much, because to the world she has to pretend that seeing Kara like this isn't killing her. So, she doesn't say anything, but she stays, and it feels like promise enough.

* * *

Kara had started to wake up. Brief instances of awareness marked by confusion, by hands trying to grip at her chest.

Each time Alex was there, her voice gentle and reassuring, trying to give her something familiar to hold onto. Lena held back words of her own she wished she could say, her heart already aching with guilt a little each time that Alex couldn't even call her sister by her name because she was there — because she wasn't supposed to know. But still, she couldn't stop herself for holding onto Kara's hand each time, of trying to offer her own comfort. And if Alex notices she doesn't say anything.

The next time it happens the numbers on the monitors are erratic and Lena automatically grabs Kara's hand again, only this time she feels her grip back and for a moment she allows herself to feel relieved, but then Kara's body is arching off the table, her chest heaving as she starts to hyperventilate.

And then Alex is calling her sister's name, too worried to remember that Lena is there, or too scared to care anymore.

"Kara."

But the alarms continue around them, and there is no evidence that Kara can hear them, that she understands what is happening.

Still Alex tries to get through to her.

"Kara. I need you to breathe. I need you to try and take deep breaths. We are right here. We are here with you."

And it's only seconds, but it feels like so much longer until her chest finally starts to rise and fall slower; deeper.

"Good Kara. Alright. That's it."

Her head moves side to side and Lena holds onto her hand afraid to do anything else. It's then she remembers that she can't see them, that the suit is only in life support mode.

"I'm going to turn off the emergency support, and then you'll be able to see us."

Quickly she moves to the tablet next to the bed, letting go of Kara's hand to toggle the suit's controls.

And then for the first time in more than a day, she hears Kara's voice.

"I-I ca-an't fe-el y-you."

But it sounds wrong, the words broken like the thoughts are barely pieced together, like she is still somewhere else.

"I-I ca-an't feel any-anything."

The monitors spike again causing another set of alarms to go off.

"It's too loud. Alex, it's too loud."

Lena reaches again for the tablet disconnecting the feed to the monitors. But it's too late, and Kara's panic returns, her hands grabbing at the helmet, trying to find a way to pull the visor off.

Alex grabs Kara's hands, pulling them away from her face trying to stop her from damaging the suit, trying to not have to watch as her sister suffocates again.

"Kara you have to stop! Kara!"

And Lena watches as Alex starts to lose control, starts to break because this is what she had been afraid of, that they had saved Kara from one monster only to have to lose her to her own demons. And it's too much to think that she might be right, so Lena holds onto the side of Kara's head, eyes focusing on her, trying to imagine the familiar blue of the ones underneath looking back at her.

"Kara!"

And this isn't how she imagined it at all. How she thought she would finally admit the truth she had known now for so long. Because it never really seemed this important before. Even when Kara pushed her about the Kryptonite, even when she said things she regretted in anger. Because she understood what Kara needed from her. She understood that she needed to be vulnerable, that she needed to be flawed and imperfect and loved despite of it. She understood because she needed the same things. But Kara needed too much else from her now. She needed her to save her, she needed her to find a solution that no one else could. And Lena needed more too. She needed to be able to comfort Kara, she needed to be able to hold her when this was over, and in case she was wrong; in case she failed, she needed to be able to tell her that she loved her.

"I'm sorry. I, we didn't have a choice. You were dying Kara. I had to. I'm sorry."

And she feels so angry, so guilty because it was something she made that did this.

Alex's voice is calmer again as she speaks, trying to help Kara make sense of everything that was happening.

"They altered the lead dispersal device. The whole atmosphere was contaminated."

Lena sees her nod her head slightly and knows Alex doesn't need to say the rest. Remembers the pain that Kara once described and knows it wouldn't be something she could forget.

"We had to put you in a radiation-controlled suit that Lena had designed. It's the only way right now to make sure you aren't exposed."

The guilt in her chest eases slightly at the gratefulness in Alex's eyes, but Kara's silence goes on too long for it to go away.

"How long?"

And Kara's voice sounds so small and so broken that it makes the guilt and anger turn into fear.

Because as she looks down to see Kara's hand in hers, she tries to remember the last time they held hands, the last time she felt the warmth of Kara's skin against hers. She tries to remember because she is afraid to forget. Tries to remember because she knows there is a chance she won't ever be able to feel it again.

"I don't know."

* * *

A/N: I am afraid this chapter is probably just as angst-ridden as the first but if you guys want, I was thinking of adding a final chapter that would deal with the aftermath of everything and offer these three a little bit of comfort to go with all that hurt. Let me know what you think and if another chapter sounds like a good idea.


	22. Of Nightmares and Memories (part 3)

A/N: Thanks as always to everyone for reading and to all of you who have left comments and encouraged me to keep writing. I don't know why it is so hard for me to write happy things. I love reading them!

Anyway, here is the final chapter and the happy ending that was promised (there is a little more angst to make your way through first, but I promise it's there).

PS: just for some context, Lena and James aren't dating in this, but I do like to think they are friends :)

* * *

In the end it takes two weeks.

Two weeks.

Fourteen days.

Three hundred and thirty-six hours.

Twenty thousand one hundred and sixty minutes.

Some measured by nightmares, some counted in heartbeats; others lost to fear or heard in broken prayers.

In the end it takes two weeks, but the first night is the longest.

The one that is the hardest to accept.

That cannot answer as many questions as it asks.

How did this happen?

How can they fix it?

How long will it take if they can?

What will happen if they can't?

And there are other questions too. Ones about her and Lena. Ones about truths and lies and forgiveness.

But when they finally talk it's a conversation lacking all the things that Kara really wants to say, the questions that she really wants to ask, because it doesn't feel right to say them like this. Not when Lena can't see her, not when she can't touch her, not when the things that need to be said require more than words to prove them. But words are all she has to offer in that moment so she uses them to thank her for coming, for staying, for saving her in more ways than she realizes and more times than she remembers.

... ... ... ...

The first night seems the longest, but it's the second day that feels the hardest.

Because she still has to try and be the hero the city needs.

Because Alex keeps asking her not to be.

Because sometimes we feel angry because we feel helpless.

And because Lena doesn't come back, not after the fight at the pier, not after Mercy.

Lena doesn't come back, and Kara knows that she is alone, that she'll convince herself that somehow she deserves to be, that she will think of Mercy the way she thinks of Lex and no one will be there to tell her how wrong she is. And nothing about that feels right or fair, but Alex won't let her leave, and she doesn't know what she could do even if she did, so Kara asks her to make sure Lena is okay instead, asks her to be there when she can't. And despite everything that's happened, Kara smiles when Alex sends her a picture of Lena asleep on the couch in her apartment wearing one of her old NCU sweatshirts that she thought she had lost.

... ... ... ...

The third day she lets herself feel hopeful.

She lets herself feel hopeful even though she promised herself she wouldn't. Because Kara knows that hope can destroy someone as much as it can save them but when Lena looks at her she realizes how much she needs her to have hope for both of them, how much she needs her to believe in her like she told her she always would.

So Kara breaks her promise to herself to keep the one she made to Lena. She lets herself feel hopeful as they tell her about the nanites, when they show her the clean room they've managed to build, when she takes off the suit for the first time and it at least feels like she can breathe easier like this.

She lets herself be hopeful and tries not to think about how isolated she still feels, tries to hide the restlessness of her hands as they run along the rough sheets of the bed or the way they rub up and down her own arms mimicking the memory of someone else's touch.

She lets herself be hopeful because hope is easier to give than it is to have even if losing it still hurts the same.

... ... ... ...

It takes 12 days for her and Alex to fight again.

For her to ignore her sister's orders and Lena's warning.

But the Children of Liberty target one of the refugee centers and the fire was spreading so fast that she couldn't wait for Brainy to clear the building, that she didn't see the lead-encased bomb in the basement.

And when it happens she has just enough time to hear the warning that comes over her coms, to turn her back toward the blast, to shield the last person still held in her arms.

The force sends her slamming into the ground, and it isn't the pain from the impact that she feels most. The screen of her visor is scrambled, but the flashing lights and beeping alarms tell her what her body already knows — that a piece of shrapnel had punctured the suit.

Her hands try to find it, try uselessly to cover it. She sees Alex's face through the fractured screen, hears Lena's voice in her ear — Alex who had to watch as she struggled again to breathe, Lena who had to listen.

Everything that happens after happens in pieces. Brainy and Lena pulling the suit off of her, Alex dragging her into the decom station and then into the clean room.

And somewhere her mind registers the irony of it all; that this was the only time she had felt someone else's touch in over a week but she wasn't even conscious enough to know it.

Eventually, they get her stable, but it takes another 6 hours for her breathing to even out and another 12 until the last of the kryptonite leaves her lungs.

Alex stays the whole time, standing on the other side of the glass as she watches the monitors and Kara lays under the sun lamps. But it wasn't until that night that Kara saw Lena again. She pushes past Alex and comes up to the glass without pause, eyes red-rimmed and tired, the same clothes she had been wearing that morning wrinkled and her feet bare. Kara stumbles off of the bed and onto unsteady feet, stopping only when her hands meet the barrier between them. She tries not to cry as Lena's voice breaks with an anger born from fear when she yells at her, as she tells her how stupid she was, how reckless. And it's the first time in more than a week that she isn't able to ignore the part of her that needs to touch Lena, that needs to hold her, that wants nothing more than to be able to comfort her. But all she can do is let her hand rest on the glass and wait until Lena stops, wait until her words are replaced with tears, wait until Lena's hand rests against the same place as her own and hope that it's enough.

And that night it's the first time she lets herself break down. And that morning, she promises to listen next time. She promises to hold back when she needs to, to be more careful when she can't. She promises them both she won't always try to be a hero. And she knows the last is a promise that she will break one day, knows that if it means Alex's life or Lena's that she would break it every time, break it over and over. But still she promises because after everything she owes them that much.

... ... ... ...

It takes two more days for the atmosphere to clear.

Two more days until she is able to find comfort in the things she had tried to forget, the things she tried to convince herself she could survive without.

And it's just before midnight on the last day when Lena shows up at her door.

And Kara still hasn't held her like she knows she needs to.

Still hasn't been able to prove to her the things she wants to.

Because it had all felt like too much at first. Like every touch made the world feel louder somehow. And Kara had wanted so desperately to feel everything she had missed, everyone she had missed, but it was all she could manage to feel anything.

So Lena left and Alex took her home and she let herself at least feel grateful it hadn't felt like the goodbye she had been fearing. That there was time enough still to show her she trusted her, that Lena had room enough in her heart to be able to forgive her.

But now, after so long, with no more seconds left to count, they are finally standing in front of each other with nothing left to keep them apart.

Kara reaches out, the movement so impossibly slow, so impossibly gentle it is easy to forget the strength that is held back as her fingers graze the side of Lena's cheek, as they tuck a loose strand of hair behind her ear. Lena's hand is just as gentle in return, just as sure as it covers hers and she leans into the feeling of Kara's simple touch. And until tonight, touching Lena had always felt like a secret shared between her hands and heart but now it feels like something she doesn't have to hide anymore. She wonders briefly if this alone could be enough, but then Lena's hands are reaching around her back to grab the fabric of her shirt, to pull her closer, to wrap herself around her and rest her head over her heart. And Kara knows for sure then that nothing short of everything with Lena would ever be enough.

But right now, she didn't need everything, right now what she needed more than anything, was to be held like this, to be forgiven in a way words could not offer, to be made whole in a way she never thought she could be. And she realizes then, there, in Lena's arms, with the steady rhythm of her heartbeat in her ears, that Lena needs the same thing. So Kara leads them both into her room and she pulls Lena down with her until they are laying down beside each other, and it's together like that, in the promise of each other's arms that they begin to feel again, that they accept their faults and vulnerabilities, that they listen to the fears and doubts they've kept hidden.

And by the time the sun rises they have both retreated from the numbness that had once felt so safe, and by the time Kara kisses her it's the only secret she had left to tell.

* * *

It always makes my day when you guys leave comments and feedback so feel free to leave one if you want. I don't have any social media accounts for you to yell at me on, so here's your chance!


	23. Your Hand in Mine

Summary: What if Kara got hurt in front of Alex as Supergirl while she still doesn't know who she is? Otherwise known as I was listening to Explosions in the Sky and this one scene got stuck in my head so I figured I might as well try to write it down.

A/N: I haven't been able to write much for reasons both big and small and so I know it's been a while but I hope you all like this even if it's a bit short.

* * *

You don't see how it happens. You don't see the gun pointed at your chest until Alex is already stepping in front of you. You don't see it, but with all the confusion and all the anger and all the hate, there is a part of you that understands it, that sees the fear in the young agent's eyes and forgives him for it.

Alex tries to get him to stand down. She orders him to lower his weapon and tells him you are there to help because even without her memories of you, she is still trying to do the right thing, still trying to remind them that Haley's hatred isn't the way to make things better.

And you can hear the fear in his words as his hands shake.

"We have orders…C-Colonel Haley said if sh-she showed up, that we, we had to take her in."

Can hear it hidden behind a mask of duty and doubt as his eyes move from you to Alex.

But it isn't until you see the green tint at the end of the barrel that a part of his fear becomes your own.

"Look around, we need her help."

He turns his head side to side at Alex's words, sees the other Agents around them trying to get control of the fighting. And there is a second of hesitation then, a moment when his finger falls away from the trigger that you know you could stop him, that you could stop all of this right now, but Alex takes another step forward and then she's too close and there's too much that could happen if you try and too much that could go wrong. So you don't move. You just stand there, hands held in front of you as if begging for both of their trust, but you can hear the commands coming through Alex's comms, you can hear the demand for back-up and Haley's voice telling her to let him shoot you if he has to.

She looks back at you, her hand gripping tighter around her sidearm and her eyes searching yours for some kind of answer, for some kind of reason to choose you over them. And you don't know what it is that she sees, what reason she finds to believe in you but for some reason, it's enough.

She pulls her earpiece away and steps again toward the other agent, this time her hand reaching out toward the gun that's still pointed at you.

"She is not the enemy right now. She is not who we are fighting. We need to stop this, and we need her help."

You watch as Vasquez steps closer then too.

Watch as the agent looks away from you again.

Watch as the fighting gets closer.

Watch as his arm finally starts to lower.

And it feels like all you've done is watch — feels like all you can do is watch.

Even as you hear the sudden noise that echoes around you.

Even as you see the moment the fear in the agent's eyes returns.

Even as he jerks the gun back up.

Even as his finger pulls around the trigger.

You know you move, know you shield yourself around Alex, but before you can even hear the sound of the bullet you're on the ground, your ears ringing and your heart pounding. Your hands push into the ground, your body turning on its side as you try to get one of your arms underneath you. You need to get up, need to make sure Alex is okay. You try again, but this time you feel hands pushing you back down, feel them pressing into your side. And it's only then that you feel the pain, only then that you see Vasquez above you yelling at someone over her shoulder. She stands up letting go of your side just long enough for you to feel like you can breathe again but your lungs burn with the effort it takes to try. You reach out, your shaking hand grabbing onto Vasquez's leg and she looks down at you, a barely muttered curse falling from her lips as she kneels next to you again, hands pressing against your side as the pain returns.

"Shit…okay…shit, you're okay."

You try to say your sister's name. Try to ask if she's okay. But if you say anything at all, she doesn't hear it.

You try to get her to listen, try to get her to look at you. You push at her hands with as much strength as you can even as she pleads with you to stay still.

"No, I've got to keep them there. I've got to keep the pressure on it."

You try again to say Alex's name, and you finally hear the broken sound of your own voice as the desperate look in Vasquez's eyes gives way to confusion.

She turns away from you again, but this time she doesn't let go.

"Danvers. I need you!"

And it's then that you finally see Alex, see her pushing herself up off the ground and away from another agent as she stumbles forward towards you.

You can feel her hands shaking as they take over. Feel the weight of them, the comfort of them even through the pain that has started to give way to numbness. You can hear Vasquez's hurried replies as she relays Alex's commands into her comms, can hear the silence that follows and the static that is the only answer. And when you look at her you know she understands what it means as much as you do, that both of you know now that no help is coming.

You hear her tell Vasquez to call J'onn instead. Hear the disbelief in her words as she kneels above you, her eyes searching for someone else who can help, for something else she can do.

"Why the hell did you do that? Why the hell would you do that?"

Her hands tug at your suit and press into your side looking for the bullet you both know is still there.

And it's not the only time she's had to try and save you, and it's not the only time that she's seen you bleeding in front of her, but there is a different kind of desperation in her voice now and a different kind of fear in her eyes as she calls you Supergirl instead of Kara. And you don't know if it is better like this. You don't know If it will hurt her any less if she loses you like this, without knowing who you are, without knowing who she couldn't save.

You think of all the times she has seen you hurt, of all the times she has almost lost you and how you had always tried to hide your pain, had always tried to hide how scared you were from her because you didn't want her to have to see you like that. And for the first time, you are thankful that she doesn't remember because then it didn't matter how scared you were now. It didn't matter because Alex didn't know.

So, you reach up, your hand wrapping around her arm as you try to get her to look at you again. You just need her to look at you. Because you want to tell her you love her even if she doesn't know why, and you want to tell her you're sorry even if she doesn't understand it, and because you're scared. Because you're just so goddamn scared and you just want to hold your sister's hand.

* * *

A/N: Thanks for reading. I feel a little bad for leaving it like that, so if you all are interested I was thinking about trying to write another chapter from Alex's POV. Let me know what you think. As always comments and feedback are welcome and appreciated. I'm also over on Tumblr vox-ex if you want to leave something there.


	24. Your Hand in Mine (part 2)

Alex's POV - A little off canon maybe because in my head Alex would still be trying to do the right thing even without her memories of Kara and she would still be trying to protect Supergirl, she just wouldn't know why.

A/N: Thanks so much for all the comments and encouragement on chapter one. I hope the second chapter doesn't disappoint.

* * *

There is nothing about what is happening that makes sense. Nothing that doesn't make you question right and wrong or make it any easier to know who you are meant to fight and who you are meant to protect. But you know yourself, trust yourself, and so when you pull up to the scene and shout orders to your agents it feels like the right thing — Evacuate those stuck inside, stop the Children of Liberty, stop the violence, protect those who are innocent. It's the right thing, the right orders, and it should be a simple mission, but too soon it all starts to go wrong.

The fighting is harder than you expect, the violence harder to control, and quickly your agents feel outnumbered and overwhelmed. You can see them getting defensive, see them losing control, and you know how easily that can lead to fear, to hesitation, to mistakes.

But just as you are ready to demand back-up, to pull them back, suddenly Supergirl is there. And for a second you can't help the relief that you feel even if you know you shouldn't. Because she shouldn't be here. She can't be. Not after the Morai, not after disobeying Haley's warning to stay away.

She can't be here, but she is.

And there is something about her that demands your trust. So you forget you aren't on the same side anymore. You forget Haley's hatred of her. You forget her orders to stay away and the warnings about what would happen if she doesn't.

She lands in front of you, placing herself between you and the fighting that surrounds you without hesitation. And you know your orders, know that if she interferes you're supposed to bring her in. But still you don't lift your gun, you don't tell her to stand down. Instead, you watch her move forward toward the fighting, watch her try to make sense of the chaos just like you — and just like you, you know she is trying to do what she thinks is right.

The fighting is loud and frantic, made dangerous by the ricochet of bullets and veil of dense smoke. It's hard to hear, hard to see, harder still to understand who the enemy really is.

Moments later, you find her again, see the red of her cape as it shields a small child from the ashes and embers that fall around them. She stands, hands guiding the child back into the arms of her mother. You see the other agents start to realize she's there, see the conflicted looks they give you. Most of them waiting for answers, for you to act so they can follow. But there are others who are ready to react, ready to fight an enemy they do not understand but have been told to fear.

You look at Supergirl, unaware of a danger she cannot see; still trying to protect them, still fighting beside them. And you try to tell her to leave, you try to tell her she can't be there, but it's not out of duty or orders, it's out of something that feels too much like fear and the need to protect her.

You try to tell her, but the sound of a gun cocking sounds first.

What happens next happens too fast to understand and too fast to stop. You turn, and see the gun held in Agent Wilson's hands pointed at Supergirl's back. He is trying to tell her to stand down, but she doesn't hear him, his voice too unsteady and the noises around them too loud. He tries again, and this time she turns, but she still doesn't see him, doesn't notice the way his finger slides to cover the trigger ready to shoot her. And you don't know why you do it. You want to think it's because it's the only right thing to do — find yourself hoping it's because it's the right thing to do. You don't know why you do it, but still, you step in front of the gun.

"Wilson, lower your weapon now."

He looks from her to you and you can see his hands shaking with fear, hear his voice wavering in its conviction.

"We have orders…C-Colonel Haley said if sh-she showed up, that we, we had to take her in."

And you do. You have orders to detain her if she tries to interfere again. But just because Haley was willing to start a war with Supergirl didn't mean you were.

"Look around, we need her help."

You see him register the words, see his eyes moving quickly as if just remembering where he was and the real danger they are standing in the midst of, but he doesn't lower his weapon, doesn't know who he is expected to trust.

Haley's voice echoes in your ear, telling you to control the scene, ordering Wilson to detain Supergirl, reminding you both he has permission to shoot her if she fights back.

Your own hand grips tighter around your gun, but you don't know who you are getting ready to protect.

You look back at Supergirl, see her standing with her hands held in front of her even as the flames burn behind her and ash settles at her feet. And you don't know what answer you are asking her to give you. You don't know if you are looking for an answer at all. Maybe you are just trying to see what Haley does, maybe you are looking for something to be afraid of. But even if you are, you don't find it.

So you make your choice, you choose your side, and if anyone asked you why or how, all you could say was that it didn't feel like a choice at all.

You turn back toward Wilson, ripping your earpiece out and ignoring the lingering anger in Haley's voice.

You can hear the sounds of the fighting still, can see your agents gaining control, but it is still too dangerous. And even if it's only been less than a minute, a minute is still too long to be standing still like this.

You try again to reason with him.

"She is not the enemy right now. She is not who we are fighting. We need to stop this, and we need her help."

And you believe every word of it even if you don't know why you should.

You see him look away from you again, watch him try to decide which voice in his head is right.

You see Vasquez move up next to you ready to step in if the Children of Liberty get too close.

You see the moment he makes the decision to trust you over Haley.

You see the gun lower.

You see everything but the door of the barn as it finally buckles under the pressure of the fire, everything but the way Wilson jerks his gun back up at the unexpected sound. You see everything until there is nothing to see but the sky above you.

And for a second you can't breathe. It's too hard and hurts too much. Your hands reach down expecting to feel the bullet lodged in your vest, but there's nothing there. You try again to take a deep breath and this time you do, but it still hurts. You check yourself again, looking down at your hands but there is no blood either. You push yourself up onto your knees, one hand bracing your side as your breathing evens out. You hear the sound of boots on the ground getting closer, hear Vasquez's voice calling your name as you push yourself up the rest of the way.

Wilson is still standing there, but the gun now lies forgotten at his feet as if maybe he was never holding it at all.

Vasquez calls your name again, and it sounds wrong, it sounds scared. But it isn't until you see her that you know why, that you realize where the bullet you thought is still lodged somewhere in your vest really was.

You stumble forward, the pain in your side protesting the quick movements, but you know now why it hurts, feel the sudden burning memory of something colliding with you as you see Supergirl lying in front of you, blood staining the ground underneath her as she fights to breathe.

Your hands shake as they reach out, pressing against the wound only for it to feel useless because you know what kind of bullet was in Wilson's gun, you know because you're the one who gave it to him that morning.

You tell Vasquez to call for an evac, you tell her they need to get the sunlamps Winn designed, you tell her, but there is no answer to any of it. Nothing but the silence and static and that is Haley's deafening answer to your defiance.

You look at Vasquez again.

"Ca-call J'onn, tell him what happened, tell him we need him to come."

And you know what you're asking of her is against both of your orders. You know what it could mean and how much it could cost you. But the truth is it doesn't matter anymore. And when you look down at Supergirl, see the blood on her crest and both of your hands you know each of you have already made your choice.

You feel Vasquez leave your side and for the first time, you find yourself looking at the hero's face and the frantic feeling that something is missing returns.

"Why the hell did you do that? Why the hell would you do that?"

She looks back at you, eyes finding yours with a silent answer that you don't understand but feel desperate to know.

You reach out, hands pulling at the frayed edges of Supergirl's suit as your helplessness turns to desperation. Maybe you can get the bullet out. Maybe if you get it out, then she will start to heal.

You try to let her know what you are going to do because you know how much it will hurt.

"Supergirl, I need, I need to get the bullet out. You have to stay still."

And you don't know if she hears you. If she understands at all what is happening through the haze of pain and shock, but you hope she does. You hope she knows you are there, that you are trying to help her.

Your fingers press into the torn flesh and you feel her body try to retreat from the pain, her back arching off the ground, but you can't feel anything. You shift your hand, try again, but this time you feel someone grab your arm and your eyes fall once more to the hero's face and her blue eyes now clouded by tears. She tries to say something but the words don't make sense and you wonder if she thinks you are someone else, wishes you were someone else. You feel her grip tighten somehow, feel a strength in it that it shouldn't have. You look at her and you see the pain she is trying to forget, you see the fear she can't hide. And it is the fear that makes you stop. The fear that makes you take her hand in yours. That makes you think of your sister and reminds you of nights she was too scared to sleep and you held her hand like this. And you don't know why you think of Kara then, why the hero's hand in yours feels like hers. But when J'onn finally pulls her from your arms, when her hold on you finally breaks, you can't help but feel like a part of you is missing then too.

* * *

A/N:Thanks for reading. I am thinking I am going to add a third chapter that explores what happens after this scene, but let me know what you think. As always I love hearing from you all so feel free to leave some comments if you want or come find me vox-ex on Tumblr.


	25. Your Hand in Mine (part 3)

A/N: Since I didn't really have a plan after part 2, I am kind of winging it from here on out but you all have been so nice that I'd thought I'd try to add a couple more chapters. Unfortunately, this means a little more angst on the way first. Sorry it's not longer :(

* * *

Alex feels the hands pulling her to her feet. Feels them pull her back, pull her away from her broken thoughts and the ground stained red with blood. They pull her away, and there isn't any time to think about what's just happened, not when Vasquez is already shoving her gun back into her hand, not when the other agents still need her to lead them.

The fighting doesn't last long after that, but every step, every punch, every bit of anger she has for the enemies in front of her is made heavier by the blood still on her hands, and if the bullet she puts in the last Child of Liberty's leg is too much no one says anything.

Haley is waiting for her when she comes back. She knew she would be. And there is a look in her eyes that warns of what will come next, but Alex pushes past her, ignores every word meant to stop her. It's already too late; she thinks anyway, and she needs to get away. Because there will be plenty of time for blame and accusations, but right now she just needs to be alone, needs to try and forget the feeling of Supergirl's hand in hers and why it had hurt so much to let go.

She slams through the doors leading to the locker room. The sound of the door hitting the opposite wall echoing like the gunshot she can't stop hearing. Her fingers pull at her uniform, tearing away the vest that feels too heavy and too tight all the sudden. And the pain in her ribs is trying to tell her to slow down, but she feels like she can't breathe anymore with it on and soon it's falling to the floor as her hand comes up to cover the spot where the bullet should have hit her.

She can feel her heart beating too fast underneath.

Can hear the sound of the gun firing again.

Can still feel the weight of Supergirl's arms around her pushing her to the ground.

She grips the sink, stares at her hands and the blood and dirt that now mar the edges of it, but she doesn't dare look up at the mirror in front of her because she doesn't know if she wants to see the person she is in that moment — doesn't know if she would recognize her if she did.

She turns on the water as hot as it will go. Feels the pain of it against her skin as she waits for it to fade into numbness, for the water to run clear — she waits to forget. But as the water washes over her hands, they don't feel numb, only empty, and like the fear in Supergirl's eyes, it is that emptiness that makes her stop. And it's then that all the sudden all the pain and all the fear and all the anger feels so familiar that it is too impossible to ignore.

It feels like something she should remember.

It feels like something she has forgotten.

She pulls her hands away from the water, stumbling back from the sink until her legs hit the edge of one of the benches and she lets herself collapse onto it.

Her head drops into her hands and she closes her eyes as if there was something in the darkness that would make sense. But like the water and the pain, it does nothing to make her forget, only reminds her of fear and emptiness.

And she doesn't know why it feels like this.

She has seen people shot.

Has watched them die.

She has even been the one who pulled the trigger.

But it's never felt like this.

Not since she was a kid.

Not since she had to listen to her mother tell her that her father wasn't coming home.

And she tries to tell herself it's because of who Supergirl is, that it's because of what will happen if she's gone. She tries to tell herself it's because she knows her life isn't worth hers; that it's guilt and not grief that won't let her forget the fear in her eyes.

But there's something in her that knows it's something more.

And there's the one question in her head that won't leave her.

Why?

Why had Supergirl trusted her?

Why had she saved her?

Why does it hurt so much to think that she might have just watched her die?

But there are no answers.

Not to the fear she saw in Supergirl's eyes.

Not to the emptiness she still feels in her hands.

And not to the aching feeling in her chest that remembers what it's like to lose someone you love.

She can hear the water still running in the background, can hear the sound of the door opening behind her and the endless ringing of her phone, but none of it is louder than the voices in her head still asking questions she has no answers to.

Her hands fumble for the phone buried in the pocket of her uniform, she stares at the screen and at the tainted droplets of water that fall onto it as she struggles to answer it.

And it's like that that Haley finds her. That she feels herself pulled again to her feet. Pulled again from her broken thoughts. The phone in her hand falls to the ground, the screen shattering as the ringing finally stops. She does nothing to fight back against the hands holding her in place, nothing to stop the onslaught of Haley's anger.

"From now on, you will do exactly as I order."

The words fade in and out.

"Exactly when I say."

Broken apart by images.

"You're lucky you're not in handcuffs."

By memories.

"Your command is now mine."

And suddenly she is in another room.

"If you have any reservations about obeying..."

And suddenly she remembers the words that had come next. The threat they had made to her, to her family.

She remembers the tears in her eyes as she listened and the sting in her hand as she watched Haley fall.

She remembers Supergirl next to her...she remembers Kara next to her.

She remembers.

She remembers, and as she feels every lie that had been holding her together fall apart so does she.

* * *

A/N: Thanks as always for reading. It's always great to hear from you all, so feel free to leave a comment below or stop over to my tumblr (vox-ex).


	26. Your Hand in Mine (part 4)

A/N: So this is a bit of a one-shot that got a little out of hand, but I'm in it until the end now. Hope you all can hang in there too. As always thanks for all the comments and everything, I really like seeing which moments stand out to you all.

* * *

Alex doesn't realize at first that the pain she remembers is the same as the pain she feels now. Doesn't understand what it means until she sees Haley on the floor in front of her. But then the anger she feels, like the pain, is as real as anything else at that moment.

More memories come back, more tears fall. She sees Kara again, feels her in her arms as she asks her to let her save her this time. Realizes then how she failed.

Alex pulls her hand back, desperate for someone to blame, for someone else to hurt as much as she does now. Her fist connects again with Haley's face and this time there is no mistaking what it means, no doubting that the pain is real. She grabs the front of Haley's uniform with one hand and pulls her up and pressing her into one of the lockers. Her breathing is fast and heavy, and her voice shakes with anger.

"You know nothing about my command, about my orders, you know nothing about me, about those agents out there or what you're asking of them. Wilson might have pulled the trigger, but you made him. You! And for what!"

Alex can feel the tears and sweat dripping down her face as she waits for an answer, for a reason.

But Haley doesn't say anything, and Alex can't take the silence. She needs a reason. If Kara is dead, she at least needs there to be a goddam fucking reason.

She punches the metal next to Haley's head.

"For what!"

She looks down at the other woman, her hands shaking as her grip tightens around the fabric of her uniform. But Haley just looks back at her, and there is a fear in her eyes that Alex knows too well. She isn't afraid of her, and she isn't afraid of the pain, she's afraid she's failed, she's afraid she's lost something — someone. And it's then she remembers what Haley's next words to Kara had been— _Your friends, your family, everyone you care about would have a target on their back_ — she thinks of the picture on the Colonel's desk, the one of a young girl, the one of her daughter.

Her hand falls to her side and the woman in front of her sinks back to the ground. Alex sees the pity on her face, sees it mixed with blood and tears and for a second, she wonders if somehow she's remembered too. If she knows what she may have taken from her, if she knows that she traded one life for another.

Alex steps back, realizes her anger doesn't matter now, that her pain doesn't matter now, that revenge and hate don't matter now. All that matters is Kara.

She closes her eyes, sees her sister in front of her, sees the blood on her chest, sees her reaching up to hold her hand. And she knows that even if J'onn took every one of her memories that it was something she would never be able to forget.

Haley doesn't try to get up, doesn't move from where she sits on the floor. It's just the two of them, alone with their failures, alone with the unknown consequence of forgotten promises.

Alex turns away, reaching the door only to stop when Haley finally answers her question.

"I was just trying to protect her."

But she doesn't look back. She doesn't need answers; she needs her sister.

"So was I."

* * *

Kara could feel the unrelenting heat of the lights around her; it was the feeling of being covered in a shroud of still burning embers. She could feel the pull of each fiber put back in its place, could feel the way her body tried to stitch itself closed again. She isn't sure anyone understands what it feels like to have to be put back together again and again. She's never told Alex. She isn't sure she would understand, that anyone could. She isn't even sure she could put it into words. It never felt the same, never hurt the same. Sometimes it's only a second. Sometimes it goes on for days. After Reign, it felt like it might last forever. But however long it was, it was never painless, never easy to be aware but unable to move. It reminded her of the endless expanse of space and of time that didn't pass. In a way, she felt ashamed of it. She was ashamed to lament the pain that no matter how unbearable was always temporary, that in the end left no scars. But maybe like she had finally let herself be scared she could let herself give into the pain now too. To admit what it cost. What it took. What it left behind. What did it matter anyway? What was her pain to anyone now? Alex wasn't here. Brainy wouldn't feel it. Lena wouldn't even know it. And J'onn, she thinks maybe J'onn has felt it already too.

* * *

J'onn walks into the brightly lit room, the white lights somehow overcoming the amber hue of the sunlamps that dominate one side of it. He holds his phone in his hand, trying again to reach Alex. And there is a part of him that is thankful when the call goes unanswered because then there is more time. More time to know what answer to give, what kind of comfort to offer, what truths will have to be told.

He looks at Kara lying alone, and he thinks how many of the memories of her he had taken from Alex. How many of them were of moments like this? Alex wondering if Kara would wake up? If she would be okay? Of watching her leave ready not to come back. And Kara would tell him that Alex didn't deserve another. That maybe it is better like this. But he knows that even though those memories were full of fear and anger and guilt, that they were also full of love. They were memories of whispered comfort, of thankful embraces. They were memories that reminded them both that the symbol Kara showed to the world was really a promise made to each other — stronger together.

He remembers the last thing Alex said to her before he took her memories.

 _'It's going to be okay.'_

And somehow even then it had felt like a lie. It was never going to be okay. He should have said no. He should have thought of another way. He could have fought beside Kara instead. Could have never left. He thinks how in choosing peace he keeps causing pain. But Kara was the one to taught him how to let go of his guilt. Who told him how she lived each day with the scar of surviving etched into her heart and was made stronger by it, that she loved more fiercely because of it. So he will not let it break him now. He owes her that much.

He walks closer, places a hand on hers as he tries to remember an old Kryptonian prayer his father had taught him. He speaks it softly, almost silently, and when it ends, he realizes he is no longer alone.

Lena is there beside him, her deft fingers adjusting the wires heading under the thin gown Kara now wears in place of her torn suit.

"I need to find Alex. She won't know where to go."

He sees her nod her head, watches the gentle movements slow, her hand sliding over Kara's hand to replace his own.

"I won't let her be alone."

A/N: I keep trying to guess how many chapters this is going to be, but honestly, I have no idea at this point...1,2,3 who knows. But if you keep reading I'll keep writing so leave a comment if you want below to let me know how it's going or come yell at me on Tumblr vox-ex.


	27. Your Hand in Mine (part 5)

A/N: If you're reading this, then thanks for hanging in there. I know updates are sporadic at best, but I'm trying I promise.

* * *

Alex can feel her hands shaking as she makes her way out of the room. She looks down again at the cracked phone in her hands. She struggles to make the buttons work, but it's useless, the screen only flickering as it fades to black. She curses, throwing the phone to the ground as she finds herself alone again. Her hands go to the side of her head, trying to stop the voices and the memories and every feeling of Kara that is coming back. She sees her as a broken girl, feels her arms around her, remembers every time she has seen her hurt and broken and every single promise she made to always be there for her. And it's too much. It's too fucking much. She stumbles the first few steps, not sure of which direction to go or of who she could trust. She doesn't even know how long it's been. She tries to remember how much blood Kara had lost, how much of it had been on her hands and on the dirt beneath her and she tries to think how long it would have taken for her to bleed out. She counts the minutes in her head, counts them, again and again, hoping she is wrong. It's been too long. It feels too late. But if she can just find her then maybe it isn't. Maybe she can still help. Maybe she can keep her promise. Maybe she can still save her.

She finally gets her feet underneath her enough to make her way to the med bay, she pulls a bag off the shelf and starts grabbing anything she can think to take. Bags of saline, suture kits, gloves, gauze. And somewhere in her head, she knows that none of it is what Kara really needs. That what she really needs is blood, and surgery, and sunlamps. That she needs to have not had a bullet tear through her chest at all. Alex pulls the bag closed and tries again to steady her hands, but they won't stop shaking. She tries to force herself to take a breath, tries to make herself slow down, but the sound of her name never allows it.

"Alex"

And she feels herself torn instead between hope and fear when she sees J'onn standing in the doorway.

* * *

J'onn is expecting Alex's anger; he is expecting her confusion and her panic. He had seen as much in her eyes when he took Kara from her arms, had felt it in the thoughts she couldn't hide from him.

He is expecting her to be scared, but he is not prepared to find her broken.

"Where is she."

And he isn't prepared for her sister's name to be the one she utters in between shallow breaths and quiet tears.

"Kara...where is she."

He isn't prepared for her to remember.

"Please, just...please"

He steps toward her, reaches out trying to pull her into his arms.

"Alex"

But her hands push weakly at his chest, and he can still see the blood she hadn't been able to wash away.

"No. I need you to tell me."

And he can't help but hear the rest that goes unsaid.

Tell me it wasn't real.

Tell me I'm wrong.

Tell me it wasn't her.

But he can't.

And he can't take this memory from her too.

"She's safe. I promise she's safe."

He steps toward her again, His arms wrapping around her shoulders as her head falls against his chest.

"I-I need to see her...I-I don't care...I need. I just need to see her."

* * *

Lena adjusts the wires again. She can't seem to make herself be still, can't seem to stop herself from taking Kara's hand. She tries not to think about how cold it is. Tries not to think about how the feeling of Kara's hand in hers is something she has allowed herself to know even when she had told herself for so long she wouldn't. She tries not to think how long it would take her to forget it. Tries not to think about the only other time she knew the feeling of someone's else touch so clearly.

For a long time, she could still feel it. She could feel her mother's hand in hers, could feel her arms around her. It felt warm and safe, and she held onto it as long as she could. But after time, after everything, it had faded like every other piece of her; the memory of it still there, but the feeling of it gone. And it had hurt so much to lose, had cost so much to forget, that every time she felt herself trying to hold onto someone in the same way again she had made herself let go. She could tell you how it felt to be held, but nothing of the person's arms she was in. She could tell you how it felt to be kissed, but never once did she let it feel like love. It was easier that way. Easier to be forgotten than to forget. And she was good at being forgotten. She was good at letting go. She was comfortable with distance and pushing everyone away.

Lena looks down at Kara's hand, at their fingers laced together and the traces of blood and dirt still etched into her pale skin.

Everyone until Kara.

And still, she had tried. She had held herself back, had kept herself from feeling too much. But with every touch, she found again in Kara the safety and the warmth she had lost. She could feel it again, feel it more than a memory. And she should have known it was too much to ask, to accept, to allow, to let herself be promised these things again. It was too much, and she should have known that in the end, it would only hurt. Because soon like every other part of Kara, every touch felt like nothing more than a lie.

Lena focuses again on Kara, on the gentle rhythm of her breathing, counts the steady beat of her heart.

She had been ready to forget again.

But then Kara had come to her. And she wasn't asking for forgiveness. She wasn't asking her to understand. She stood on her doorway with tears in her eyes and pain in her heart, and she didn't ask anything of her at all. Instead, she stood there, and she gave Lena her trust. She came to her broken and alone and scared, and she gave her herself—all of her. And she had come not because she was the only one left, but because with her she could be broken. Because in her arms she could grieve. She could be the daughter who lost her parents, she could be the hero who lost her fight, and she could be the girl who just lost her sister.

Lena thinks of the desperation in Kara's hands that night. How they ached to be held, to be known. She thinks of today, of how Kara had reached out as J'onn cradled her in his arms and she watched the blood fall to the floor beneath them. How Kara had been reaching for her sister, how her hands had stilled when they found her own instead, how for a second at least she must have found some kind of comfort in them, how Lena hadn't wanted her to let go. And it's then she realized that holding Kara's hand was a feeling she couldn't make herself forget. Not even when she knew how much it would one day hurt. Not even when it hurts so much now.

* * *

A/N: As always thanks for reading. Feel free to leave a comment below or come yell at me on tumblr if you prefer vox-ex. I think there will definitely be a scene between Alex and Lena and Kara will get her moment with each of them, but let me know if there's anything you'd really like to see as this story wraps up.


	28. Your Hand in Mine (Part 6)

Happy finale day. Thanks to everybody for reading and for all the encouragement you all gave me and the patience you all had even when it took to long to try and this all right.

* * *

 _Everything is going to be okay._

She remembers the words. Can hear the conviction she tried to say them with.

 _I can't._

She remembers the words. Can hear the broken tenor of Kara's voice as she turned away, unwilling to watch as she lost someone else.

 _I just came back from a world where you didn't know who I was._

It's like every step begs for a memory to follow it.

 _I'm still going to be me. And you're still going to be Kara, my sister._

Like every second is proof of everything she's forgotten.

And when she finally steps into the room, other memories come back too — memories of Sam, memories of Lena desperate to save her. But gone now are the bright lights and reinforced walls. In their place, a glow of warm amber and a set of chairs pulled up close to a single bed. Kara's suit lies torn, discarded among the remnants of the efforts it took to save her. Alex knows then that the room may have been different, but Lena's desperation had been the same. And It doesn't feel real. But she isn't sure which part feels like a dream. Whether it is forgetting or remembering that hurts most. And there are so many things to hate in that moment.

The scared look in Lena's eyes.

The guilt in J'onns voice.

The anger inside herself.

The pain she couldn't protect Kara from.

But she has already felt enough hatred today, has let it take from her too much, and after everything, it isn't hate that she needs, just her sister.

Getting closer she watches as Lena stands from one of the chairs, sees her move to let go of Kara's hand. But she doesn't miss the way Kara's fingers tighten unconsciously unwilling to let her. She doesn't miss either the look in Lena's eyes that tells her she doesn't want to. And so she offers her a silent look that tells her it's okay, that tries to prove to her that she belongs right where she is, that thanks her for being the one by Kara's side when she couldn't be.

Everything is going to be okay.

She thinks of the words again as Lena tells her that Kara's body is healing, that she's been waking up slowly.

Everything is going to be okay.

She reaches down, fingers brushing aside Kara's hair. She watches as tears fall onto the back of her hand.

Everything is going to be okay.

She falls down next to her, tired, scared, and just barely unbroken. She takes Kara's hand in hers and she whispers the only prayer she knows to a god she isn't sure she believes in anymore.

Everything is going to be okay.

She thinks of how scared Kara had been, about the words she had tried to say. She thinks of her reaching out, of her trying to hold on.

Everything is going to be okay.

She rests their hands together on Kara's chest, feels the steady rhythm of her heart beneath them until finally, the words stop feeling like a lie.

Everything is going to be okay.

* * *

She never asked to be the one who survived.

It's a thought that always comes after and it comes again now. It comes with the numbness that surrounds her and the heaviness in her chest that is always the last to go away.

But she never says it out loud; lets it be another thing she has always kept hidden. And she had already given into so much. She had let herself be scared, to feel alone, to give into the pain. But even now she doesn't let herself give into this too. Because even now there was something left to hold onto, something in the struggle to survive again that felt not of fear or pain, but of comfort and love.

She felt it first when Alex had given in to her last efforts to hold onto her; when the warmth on her hand had replaced the pressure on her chest.

She felt it still in J'onn's arms, in the strength with which he held her to his chest as everything else faded away.

She feels it first again when the sound of Lena's heartbeat breaks through the echo of the world returning, when her body no longer lies broken but is still barely together.

And she feels it now.

Feels the tears on her skin and the hand in hers as it shakes and falters and then finally holds on.

She feels it when she is not ready to face the darkness alone again. When she is not sure she could keep herself together this time with only her own arms to wrap around herself.

And even if it is unsure and even if it is broken in its own right, there is something in what she feels that she remembers, that she could never forget. But still, for a second, she thinks she imagines it. Imagines Alex there. Imagines she is not forgotten after all. But then she hears the prayer Eliza once taught her whispered in her ear and she knows it's real, that her thoughts could never be capable of such a perfect lie. So, she knows it's real. She knows Alex is there. And it's enough to lift the heaviness, to bury again the guilt, to remind her that everything she always fights to come back to is still there.

* * *

Alex doesn't once let go, unwilling to move now that she has found the thing she has felt herself missing —that she is afraid again of forgetting.

She grounds herself in the feeling of her sister's heart beating underneath her hands. Imagines Kara listening to her own heartbeat after every time they had almost lost each other. Remembers her sitting in her arms with her ear pressed against her chest as she learned its rhythm for the first time. She looks again at Lena next to Kara and at J'onn standing beside them all. She thinks of Eliza back in Midvale. She thinks of how Kara carries a piece of each of them with her like this always — a steady sound to prove to herself she is not alone. And she hopes that Kara at least had that part of her to hold onto when she didn't have the rest of her.

Alex feels another tear fall. Watches it follow the same path as the rest as she leans forward, placing a kiss to the back of Kara's hand that is still gripped tight in her own before resting her head on her sister's chest unable to get close enough.

* * *

Kara feels Alex's head fall against her chest. She thinks of the crest that she wears there. She thinks of what it means. She thinks of it somewhere torn and covered in the blood and dirt meant to keep the promise that it stands for — a symbol of hope and of family.

She opens her eyes to the lights above her, a halo fills her vision and she tries to blink away the last of the darkness. Lena is there, her hand resting on her shoulder with a silent smile and a simple touch. She watches her step back, following her eyes down to where Alex's head rests and Kara knows that later they will share a moment like this too, but she is thankful that she doesn't have to try to be that strong yet, that she doesn't have to find the words for all the things that need to be said. So Kara just nods and Lena squeezes her hand once more, the tears in both their eyes saying enough for now.

She looks back down at Alex and lifts the hand that Lena had held slowly trying to reach out. And suddenly she is back on the ground, the dirt cold and hard beneath her as she tries to tell Alex she loves her, tries to tell her she's sorry. But this time when Alex looks at her, there is no confusion in her eyes and no hesitation in her touch. This time she holds her hand back as tight as she can.

"I missed you so much"

* * *

Thanks again. If you have a second let me know what you guys thought. I really struggled to get this last part right so I hope that it was okay.


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